Just plain freaking angry...

Okay, so I acknowledge that I started this blog so that I could deal with a variety of issues (including those caused by the abuse/neglect/ignorance of my family)... However, after I had started, I thought maybe I would try not to do exactly what I'm about to do...  *WARNING* This is about to get negative and ugly...

(and so, I may have just secured the interest of 50% more people... lol)


So, the whole reason I started an "online presence" was because I have too much on my plate and just can no longer deal with it on my own.  My current (and possibly future) relationship with JD really cannot take all the stress from the things I'm going through and I refuse to strain that relationship. 

Anyway, part of this is really my fault.  For some stupid reason I keep falling into the impression that my mom will eventually be supportive and stop being a crazy bitch as I no longer live there and she doesn't have to deal with me full-time.  I also thought that my diagnosis might do something toward showing her that there's a reason that I'm different, I have different needs, I express myself differently, and I need special support for certain situations. 

*and this is where I went to get a drumstick... and by drumstick I mean a tripple chocolate "Drumstick" ... as in ice cream, people*

Fortunately, the walk past Rocky's cage reminded me that he was still loose.  He is now contained!

...

Where was I?  Oh yea, my mom.  So she calls to "check up" on me and when she asks me how I'm going, I give her a true answer.  <- that, that right there, I need to stop doing that!  So I tell her that there have recently been some changes at work and that between the changes and the medication and the fact that I've not been sleeping, my senses are all messed up.  She asked me what that meant... and again, I gave her the closest thing to a true answer that I had...

I will take this time now to describe it to you a little better:
1) I have sensory integration issues:
     I can't touch certain textures, I am picky about the clothes I wear, I cannot have any tags in my shirts (nor ones in my pants which touch my skin or a bulky enough to be noticeable) ...
     I occasionally get a little pilled thread in my bra which (this teeny tiny wee bump that most people wouldn't even feel if you directed them to exactly where it was) feels like my skin is being ripped open until I locate and remove the pill.
     Sometimes just the day-to-day noises of another person are so distracting that they cause a noticeable level of anxiety or physical pain... it's hard to describe.
     If I'm in a room with fluorescent lighting and a bulb is flickering, I can't concentrate on anything else.  Lighting, brightnesses of screens, sunlight (bright - no clouds or shade), etc. ... sometimes I can handle it bright (sometimes I need it bright) and sometimes I need it darker and I can't handle it at all.  My regular eye wear must be the transition lenses (they automatically adjust if I'm outside and it's bright) and I have a pair of polarized sunglasses that I carry everywhere (sometimes the transitions aren't enough outside, they don't work in a vehicle, and sometimes I have to wear them inside).
     When I get stressed out or overstimulated everything just goes biggeldy-puck.  Lately, this has been worse than it has been in a long time (and has sustained for longer too).  Here I'll add that I also have prosopagnosia (at a retirement party there was a slide show and when the pic of me came up the first thing I thought was, "who the fuck is in my chair!" followed by " ... shit ..." and, lastly: "that's me..."  Good times.  So I've always kept track of people in 2 ways (which to you, it may seem obvious that if I couldn't recognize faces I had to have known something is wrong... let me ask you (if you're NT), when was the last time you started a conversation along the lines of: "Oh, of course that was Teddy!  He has his father's nose, mother's eyes, and Aunt Betty's lips - I'd know his face anywhere!" ... that's what I thought.  Anyway, so I've always counted on body movements (not even really body shape as I've noticed my brain sometimes fills in this detail*) and voice.  I can track multiple conversations happening at the same times (thought usually I cannot talk as well in those situations - but after the other parties disperse, I can clearly identify what each party in a conversation was intending to say, regardless of if they stated it in the way the other party could understands ... great party trick)  I also recognize hands but that's weird and for later...  What's really awesome, I can pick out people I know from far away because of how they move...

Okay, I got lost... so lately, because everything is messed up, my hearing is off... Nobody sounds like they are supposed to which is horribly disconcerting.  (if you're NT, picture you went into work one day and everybody sounded right, was in the correct office/location, but their faces were totally wrong... that is what is happening to me, only in reverse as I rely on the voice - not the face - and you likely rely on the face.  Just as you can hear a familiar voice and usually know who it is, I can see a VERY familiar face and know who it is IF it is in real life.  But I've known JD most of my life and I occasionally cannot pick him out even if he's right in front of me... so you may occasionally not recognize a voice that maybe you haven't heard in a while or if someone is shouting in a crowd you may think you are hearing someone familiar when you aren't or vice-versa.)  Food doesn't taste right... and any strong flavor is horribly overwhelming (I traded my favorite veggie-crackers for Ritz today because I couldn't handle the flavor) ... while I may be poking the universe right now I have to say, I haven't noticed my sense of smell being wonky... and I don't think touch is either (then again, right now I'm surrounded in and wearing flannel and with everything else being biggeldy-puck I just may not have been able to separate it out... I say that because, now that I think about it, the cushion pattern on my chair felt sharp ... heck I don't even know, that's how screwed up everything is).

But the bigger problem is that being in this state of being overwhelmed and overstimulated, even I run the risk of having a total meltdown/tantrum and I've scared that this will happen while I'm at work (as that's where the most sensory input/stress comes from) which adds stress because I don't know how my supervisor will react when it happens. 

Okay, so I guess I sidetracked myself from my just plain angry rant... I was pissed because my mom laughed when I told her of my fears (please, do not laugh at an ASD when they are expressing a serious concern - especially if they are aware of the social context of laughter or were made fun of - it's either hurt our feelings or make us overwhelmingly furious (or - jackpot - both!)) but I'm not even angry anymore.  I actually feel better because I feel like I took all my frustration in what was happening and explained it which also allowed me to process what I was feeling visually ... I think I can go to sleep now.


*The other day when I returned to a bank location I had been to a few weeks prior where someone of Russian decent assisted me; I was wondering, while on my way, if she would be there today (as I prefer dealing with the same person because there's less "unknowns") and I pictured her as tall, thin, long blond hair ... When I arrived, she was there.  I heard her voice and turned... to see a dumpy-looking, overweight individual with straw-like brown hair.... And realized that I could never pick someone out of a visual lineup because my brain does not retain those specific details but instead just fills the gaps.

 awesome.

(and as I only used the f-word once, this is still a PG movie... wait, that's not right) o.O