Happy 7th birthday to me!!

So here is to the seventh time that there's been a February 29th since I was born and to knowing that I will never live long enough to celebrate my "star" birthday [turning the age of your date of birth for me would be 29 but 116 in actual years].  Here's to my first birthday without my dad and to the heartbreak of reaching nearly 6 months that he has been gone.  On my last real birthday my dad sent me a bouquet of flowers as a personal joke because of a stupid movie we had watched.  It has been six months but there are still times when I start to dial his number but then remember that he will not be there.  Sometimes I just shrug it off and sometimes it still hits me hard enough to knock me down.

But aside from that, JD is taking me out tonight and we are going somewhere nice.  He bought Max one of those tuxedo shirts for dogs.  Max was not very certain about it while it was going on but once it was in place he did not mind it.  I feel like this entry is mainly filler but my life is about more than my diffability and the research and other work I do and I do not consider these things filler outside of my blog so I guess I should stop considering them filler within my blog.

Max just came back to check on me.  It is a bit weird when he does this but he will be in another room, doing whatever it is that occupies his time, then he will just stop whatever it is and come to where I am.  He walks up to me and looks at me for a bit then turns around and goes back to whatever he was doing.  Just now he had been playing ball with JD outside - I could see them through the second story window - and had caught the ball but instead of going back to JD Max just went back inside, came up the stairs to where I am and just looked at me.  He is pretty goofy holding a pink tennis ball, wearing a tuxedo shirt, and cocking his head at me.  But after he assessed me for whatever he was looking for he went back outside to JD like nothing happened.  JD is used to this behavior fortunately and he will just wait for Max to come back but it still feels weird to have this sentient being checking up on me.  Some days it makes me feel bad that he does not get to just be a dog but he also gets so excited when I pickup his pack, vest, and/or work leash so I remind myself that Max is happy with his job.  Happy with his job to the point that he willingly stops being a regular dog to ensure he is not needed.  Which is rather cool when I think about it like that.

Reflection

So yesterday's post was the more immediate response to my father's passing.  Today I'd like to reflect on this past 4 months without him.  I had my first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year without him.  Holidays are weird because he was really the only reason I got excited about the holidays.  Thanksgiving I stayed home because I did not want to go with JD to be with his family because [as I suspected] my mother made an appearance there hoping that she could force herself upon me but I was not even there.  [As an aside, JD did capture her disappointment at discovering I was absent on video and assured me that she was miserable for the 20 minutes his family engaged her until she could escape.  I'll admit that made me smile a little - it is the small things in life, after all.

Here is to a Happy 2016!

Because this past year has been so epic, I am promising an entry per day to my blog. I have been busy writing the last two and a half years but not posting after somebody threatened to expose my identity [and my dad passed away, and JD and I are living together again... many things have happened]. Also, in 2015 the Colorado Revised Statues saw an overhaul of 24-34 Part 8 that made life for disabled persons (having disabilities aside from visual or hearing impairments) with service dogs SO MUCH EASIER!!! Oh, and that reminds me... I got a service dog!!  [See, many things have happened.]

In celebration I present you with 366 brand new entries which will cover: 

     · My classes [which I'm currently taking a hiatus from]

     · Alice 

     · Training my service dog Max 

     · ADA issues

     · Effects of the alteration of Autism criteria under DSM5

     · Random thoughts!
     · The new diet I'm trying... [help me!]

On the ride side of my blog you will see the calendar where I will link each day's post [as some will be published with past dates] making all my new entries easy to find. I am so excited for 2016!

The 3 year anniversary...

So it's been 3 years since I was fired from my job.  So much has happened since then and so many things are still happening but I wish to reflect on this day.

Working in a hostile environment is akin to being in boarding school, as I would imagine it.  There is so much going on in your life but just as every teacher acts as their class is your only class so does each conflict at work become 'the only thing' that is happening to you.  Problems with your personal relationship? Irrelevant because you have to deal with the depression from your work environment.  Having issues paying the bills because you have lost so much pay between suspensions and increased medical bills? Well, leave that behind because you have to deal with working through your symptoms and trying to meet this goal that is unattainable without your accommodation.  Basically all of your problems become moot because your teacher expects that the only problems you have are the ones they assigned.

No matter what, it always hurts...

You spend your life being alienated away from your family... always told that nothing you do is good enough, how you are the problem, how you makeup stuff and the fact that the family relationship is broken is all your fault so fix it...

How can my mother alienate me from my father's side of the family?  Why does no one stand up for me and everybody judge me based on the shit other people say?

I really do not need this right now.  I have been studying and working hard to get accepted into this program and I am trying to manage steps forward in my career and life paths while filing a lawsuit against my workplace because it is my only option but I also have to deal with the fact that I have no family support.  I am judged constantly and no one cares about how I feel or what has happened to me.

I feel like everybody always expected something else from me... always wanted me to be something else and could never see who I was.  I look into the autistic community and most of what you see is parents/family/others who want something else for their autistic children and are unable to appreciate what they have.  I realize that not all autistics are like me - I realize that some are unable to express themselves verbally or cope with the stimuli that must be faced in even the smoothest of days; but I also know that I cannot always do those things.  I have days where I would rather just not talk because whatever I say always makes it worse; when I know I cannot safely cope with driving but do not always have the option to avoid it; there are days that I do not want to do anything and there are days where I want to scratch the skin off my body and rip the hair out of my head and beat myself against the wall because the physical pain would be some mixture of what I deserve and how I know I am still alive.

I wish I did not empathize.  I wish I did not worry about how people saw me or how they felt or what would make them happy or help them. 

I know that the thing that happened probably was nothing, but I cannot help but see one little thing and freak out.  I am trying to get ahead, I am trying to move on, I am trying to pursue something I may be better at; but I feel that the people who should support me are just ignoring me.  The "community support" that people rely on for furtherance of careers and projects and themselves is severely lacking.

I am shouting down a hall void of life, air, warmth, matter.
I speak coherently but it surely must be a different language.

I feel like I exist in this world but I am not a part of it.  I am trapped to watch but never understand.  I will leave no lasting impression other than being the weird person who never fit in, could do no right, or only proffered lies and tricks.  The people who harassed, bullied, threatened, belittled, and dehumanized me will move ahead, be supported, promoted, and successful because that is how the world works.

I will never be recognized for what I am, what I do, what I am capable of; I will always be deficient, lacking, broken, sub-standard.  The outside will always want to change who I am, I will never be good enough.  I envy the ones who do not understand this fact.  I envy the ones whose ignorance signifies a small amount of bliss.  I envy those whose mental capabilities are lower as their intelligence will never intimidate and they may have the peace that comes with being oblivious to the workings of the world around them or their standing in the eyes of others.

In actuality, my pain changes nothing as no one listens.  Everyone wants a name for the scary monster under the bed.  Everyone wants a word to blame, something that can be targeted, aimed at, eventually destroyed.  It does not ever matter if the thought process is illogical or wrong or if they are missing something beautiful and unique.  It is the reason our super heroes become villains, why we hate, dismiss, discriminate against that which we do not understand.

It is why even the seemingly simple idea of equality founded our nation but also divides it repeatedly over the decades.

I need a hot chocolate, my pj's, and my rabbit.  Followed by a week of sleep, stimming, and being able to throw out the bird randomly when I have to relive all the shitty event which have lead to my biggeldy-pucked existence.

The Darker Side: Si vis pacem, para bellum

This particular blog post is highly negative and dark.  I express my thoughts on suicide [which include that it is illogical and solves nothing] and describe the horrible boughts of anxiety/panic that I have been experiencing lately.

I begin by talking about my high IQ and excellent memory and how my brain has developed a safety mechanism that protects me from my traumatic past.  However, this mechanism is not enough to spare me from the effects of what I went through for four years at my job.  This is where the negativity comes out to play.  

If you are prone to anxiety or have struggled with suicide, I do not recommend that you read the full entry.  If you still would like to read what is alluded to above, you have to click to read those parts.
 
Obviously I am not giving up and I am not fleeing town.  I started this blog to try and process what was going on with me as well as to learn more about my diagnosis.  An added benefit is that I get something to do that occupies my mind and gives me something else to focus on.  Unfortunately, I had to dwell on these things at the start of last week and then was unable to shake them.

JD has been at my house since Wednesday and I have been off work.  One thing I can say, JD has managed to be very supportive.  One of the issues we had was with his perception of what was going on at my work.  I guess the last two years have gone a long way toward allowing him to understand and accept.  I do not know if we will end up back as husband and wife, but I do know we will be okay as friends.  And that would be enough.



Preface:
A few months ago I read where autistic children who desired the social interaction but did not receive it tended to develop anxiety and/or depression [I believe the article cited both, but I know it cited anxiety].  I can see the truth in that, but I am fortunate that my anxiety stays confined to situations where I am being misunderstood but does not usually affect my daily life.  I am fortunate that I occasionally have a "depressed mood," or a period of mild depression, as opposed to suffering from clinical depression.  I am also fortunate that with my high IQ (130 + based on average of scores) and excellent memory, that my "bad" memories of negative experiences tend to get tagged and filed where they do not often get accessed but also are not forgotten.  It is a protection mechanism that I am grateful for; the negative memories are there [and if I go "looking" for them, I still get to relive them vividly] but I am allowed to maintain my "innocent" and naive personality trait and not hold a grudge.  An unfortunate side to that is since I do not hold a grudge, it took way too much before I was finally able to break ties with my mother, and other assorted family members.  A good counter to this is that, when it came to the shit I have been through at work, I was able to persevere and maintain at work without impulsively quitting [even when I wanted to] or telling anyone to fuck off.
 
In the end, that does not matter.  It does not matter that I have been nothing but open and honest.  It does not matter that I do not have an ulterior motive.  It does not matter that I do not have the motivation to manipulate people.  It does not matter that I can objectively look at a situation without having an emotional response that I need to overcome.  It does not matter as the only things that matter are the perceptions and choices of those who have control.  They perceive an ulterior motive, a manipulating quality, and a false claim of either my diagnosis or the affects of the autism.  An added part of the frustration is the fact that they have just ignored the rules.

I think part of the problem is ignorance regarding the autism spectrum and part of the problem is the motives of management.  At this point, regardless of what has happened, it may appear more beneficial to management to maintain their decisions and hope that I do not file in court [or that if I do, I do not win].

Point:
So the last week I have had a very hard time ignoring the frustration of my situation.  I was fired in May after almost five and a half years of employment.  Four years of that was filled with attempts to gain accommodations after the terms of my employment had been altered.  I have a large "folder" of memories stored up and recently had to start dealing with and sorting through those memories.  The memories are vivid, include feelings that are difficult to process, and create a state of endorphin-spiking, fight-or-flight, fear and anxiety-ridden panic.  I had to go through all these experiences and got to process them as a unit, as opposed to individual happenings.  It was clear to me that management was intent only on maintaining their denials of responsibility, claims of appropriate action, and eventual finding that I was an employee with poor work performance who needed to be fired.  Their decisions, actions, and in-actions alike have made my degree, passion, and desired career path null and void.

Now I am not a suicide candidate as it is illogical and accomplishes nothing but the other day I found myself envying individuals who could "opt-out" and never have to continue in their footsteps.  Aspects of what they have done and the position they have placed me into took away all of my hope.  I desire to have my life go back the way it used to be.  I desire a resolution.  However, I know that this is not possible and any naive hope I had kept alive for years is gone, crushed, taken.  I have reached the point where just thinking about the things that I have been through causes me to experience the following:

• my chest feels like it is being crushed
• my heart pounds 
• my brain feels like it is swelling and will explode if I do not stop the stress
• extreme [and possibly irrational] fear, anxiety, and panic
• the feeling that I will imminently die
• a migraine which continually increases until I can calm down and think about anything else
• an overwhelming sense of dread
• the lack of desire to persevere

These feelings are so terrible, that I wish to no longer experience them ever again.  I know that I cannot avoid these feelings in the future which makes the whole experience worse.  Previously, the response has not been that extreme but now it appears that this is what I have to look forward to anytime it is brought up.  All last week, each day, that is what I experienced.  I am experiencing it now just writing about it and I am not even thinking about the specifics of what happened.

I know I need to continue, to persevere, so that what happened to me is not done to others.  Knowing that does not change the fact that I want to leave.  Just go and never look back.  New state, new city, new life; just leave everything behind.  Never look back.

Miscommunication - Mind Blindness...

I was trying to come up with a way to respond to Tanner's Dad Tim and while I was processing/mulling that, JD was taking me to dinner. As serendipitous as this sounds, these experiences coincided in a beautiful example and a horrible misunderstanding.  It was one of those weird moments that you see in television and moves where the person identifies the issue or how to fix a problem due to an epiphany received through a later [and completely unrelated] conversation/problem/random statement.  I just hope I was able to type both situations and the connection cohesively [which would make this an even rarer occurrence, lol].

The epiphany came as JD turned to me with this expression of resigned anger and said, "Well, obviously you wanted to go to Applebee's as you mentioned it over and over again."  In that exact moment I realized that just as ASD's are described as having "theory of the mind" issues; NT's also have no idea HOW we are thinking.

From the beginning:
JD came and picked me up and we had planned to go to the Chinese Buffet.  There are two for us to choose from, but we usually end up going to the closer one.  This time we opted to go to the one that was a little farther away as the cost is similar, but the quality difference is noticeable.  Also, we had not gone to that one in awhile.  We get out there, but it has closed.  [Also - win, it is now a Japanese steakhouse/sushi bar except that JD does not eat sushi.]  So the decision was to either go back to the first option or head out to the other Chinese restaurant a little farther down which is more-expensive.  We ended up in lane on the road which could go straight or right.  Let us pause here for a moment, because I want to express how this works.  Snap your fingers.  How long did that take?  This next paragraph happened in that same amount of time.  Just keep that in perspective as you read it.

1- our lane goes straight and right. 2- right is Chinese, more expensive, and straight is Applebee's. 3- JD likes Applebee's, often wants to go there, I do not enjoy Applebee's.  4- we would spend the same amount of money at either restaurant. 5- if I suggest we could go to Applebee's, I have done something that takes JD's preferences into account and he may enjoy Applebee's.

Catch all that?  Now snap your fingers again just to help it feel real.  I do that, that right there, when I problem solve, think about a situation, consider what I am going to do later, etc., etc., etc.. It is awesome and it is exhausting.  [But I would never give it up. NEVER. It is totally worth it.]

Anyway, back to the narrative:
So I say, 'we could also go to Applebee's if you prefer.  We would be spending the same amount.' And that is where it all went horribly awry.  We go straight, he obviously does not wan to go to Applebee's and starts getting frustrated, he turns around, we head back out, I try to explain myself as he is visibly frustrated/angry/something, he turns around again, goes back to Applebee's and parks.  I said, "I just wanted to offer Applebee's because you like Applebee's, I did not want to start a fight or make this complicated."

That is when he turned to me with this expression of resigned anger and said, "Well, obviously you wanted to go to Applebee's as you mentioned it over and over again."

We ended up talking/arguing at the table and from his perspective, we were at Applebee's solely because I wanted Applebee's [even though he should know that I do not like Applebee's - we had that debate several times because he would want Applebee's add I would always rather have O'Charlie's].  When I tried to state how I was looking at the situation, he would counter to the effect of 'oh, so it is my fault.'  No matter what I said, JD could not understand HOW I was thinking.  In my mind, it did not have to be anybody's fault, there was no need to lay fault anywhere. I just wanted to have him understand how/why I was thinking about the situation as this is a fundamental issue in our communication - he cannot understand my way of perceiving the situation.

There is no emotional component [not wanting to be wrong, wanting to make a situation somebody's fault, etc.] when it comes to situations like this.  It is nothing more than the fact that the words coming out of his mouth are not accurate to what I'm actually thinking/trying to say.  It does not matter how bluntly I state it, he is reading between lines that do not exist and refuses to understand that.

Similarly, I feel that this is where Tim and I ended up in our conversation: He is unable to understand the context in which I think. I've been working on this entry since Friday and initially I was trying to come up with a respectful rebuttal to Tim as I do not like confrontation but also I felt that he was just honestly not able to see my perspective.

I believe that Tim's personal emotions regarding his son get in the way of his messaging on Twitter. As an advocate [and co-founder of AutismAid] his tweets are even more important in terms of autism awareness. He has placed himself under scrutiny and others would take their cues regarding how to regard people with autism.

Aside from hurtful comments made [and the reply that it 'made me think']; I have seen where he has placed the "understanding" on a parent who murdered their autistic child instead of placing that understanding onto the people with autism. Tim also made it his place to declare that I 'gave up' because I was not sitting on top of Twitter, waiting for others to notice our exchanges and ask about them. I also feel that when I made it clear I wanted to have a discussion outside of Twitter regarding treatment options, he provided a format [Twitter DM even though I provided my email] and then ignored the sent DM. Before I offer up my complete rebuttal, I invite Tim to a conversation regarding his experiences, thoughts, etc. as it seems only fair.

So Tim, I ask again for a conversation outside of Twitter. I would like to discuss your thoughts/ideas and find out about your experiences while also sharing mine.

So... my weekend...

I had all these articles and blogs marked to read but, you may have noticed I was AWOL starting Saturday... Saturday afternoon I was starting to work on stuff when JD came and picked Rocky and me up. We went to a farmer's market and then to JD's. JD made dinner and then we watched movies while Rocky alternately explored and cuddled with us. I ended up staying at JD's overnight.  Sunday JD took me out to run my errands (groceries, supplies for Rocky, and then a few DIY apartment projects - including hanging lamps so no more cords for Rocky to chew).  JD brought me home and helped me put everything away (and hang the lamps) then he spent the evening here.

I know this doesn't equal any work toward my blog (or an ever-increasing number of interesting links) but I had a nice weekend.

Just plain freaking angry...

Okay, so I acknowledge that I started this blog so that I could deal with a variety of issues (including those caused by the abuse/neglect/ignorance of my family)... However, after I had started, I thought maybe I would try not to do exactly what I'm about to do...  *WARNING* This is about to get negative and ugly...

(and so, I may have just secured the interest of 50% more people... lol)

First Post! Hello, world!

My name is Drea Erimentha and I have Asperger's Syndrome.  Obviously, this is a pseudonym but I feel it accurately describes me. :)