You spend your life being alienated away from your family... always told that nothing you do is good enough, how you are the problem, how you makeup stuff and the fact that the family relationship is broken is all your fault so fix it...
How can my mother alienate me from my father's side of the family? Why does no one stand up for me and everybody judge me based on the shit other people say?
I really do not need this right now. I have been studying and working hard to get accepted into this program and I am trying to manage steps forward in my career and life paths while filing a lawsuit against my workplace because it is my only option but I also have to deal with the fact that I have no family support. I am judged constantly and no one cares about how I feel or what has happened to me.
I feel like everybody always expected something else from me... always wanted me to be something else and could never see who I was. I look into the autistic community and most of what you see is parents/family/others who want something else for their autistic children and are unable to appreciate what they have. I realize that not all autistics are like me - I realize that some are unable to express themselves verbally or cope with the stimuli that must be faced in even the smoothest of days; but I also know that I cannot always do those things. I have days where I would rather just not talk because whatever I say always makes it worse; when I know I cannot safely cope with driving but do not always have the option to avoid it; there are days that I do not want to do anything and there are days where I want to scratch the skin off my body and rip the hair out of my head and beat myself against the wall because the physical pain would be some mixture of what I deserve and how I know I am still alive.
I wish I did not empathize. I wish I did not worry about how people saw me or how they felt or what would make them happy or help them.
I know that the thing that happened probably was nothing, but I cannot help but see one little thing and freak out. I am trying to get ahead, I am trying to move on, I am trying to pursue something I may be better at; but I feel that the people who should support me are just ignoring me. The "community support" that people rely on for furtherance of careers and projects and themselves is severely lacking.
I am shouting down a hall void of life, air, warmth, matter.
I speak coherently but it surely must be a different language.
I feel like I exist in this world but I am not a part of it. I am trapped to watch but never understand. I will leave no lasting impression other than being the weird person who never fit in, could do no right, or only proffered lies and tricks. The people who harassed, bullied, threatened, belittled, and dehumanized me will move ahead, be supported, promoted, and successful because that is how the world works.
I will never be recognized for what I am, what I do, what I am capable of; I will always be deficient, lacking, broken, sub-standard. The outside will always want to change who I am, I will never be good enough. I envy the ones who do not understand this fact. I envy the ones whose ignorance signifies a small amount of bliss. I envy those whose mental capabilities are lower as their intelligence will never intimidate and they may have the peace that comes with being oblivious to the workings of the world around them or their standing in the eyes of others.
In actuality, my pain changes nothing as no one listens. Everyone wants a name for the scary monster under the bed. Everyone wants a word to blame, something that can be targeted, aimed at, eventually destroyed. It does not ever matter if the thought process is illogical or wrong or if they are missing something beautiful and unique. It is the reason our super heroes become villains, why we hate, dismiss, discriminate against that which we do not understand.
It is why even the seemingly simple idea of equality founded our nation but also divides it repeatedly over the decades.
I need a hot chocolate, my pj's, and my rabbit. Followed by a week of sleep, stimming, and being able to throw out the bird randomly when I have to relive all the shitty event which have lead to my biggeldy-pucked existence.
