Impacts of long-term stress

The human body cannot handle on-going stress well. Long-term, or chronic, stress can shrink part of your brain and make it harder to focus and remember things.  It could also cause, or worsen, other health problems such as depression, anxiety, heart disease, and diabetes.

Autistic children who grow up in homes that cause stress/distress and autistic adults who have to deal with stressful family/work/peer situations often develop anxiety, depression, or physical health symptoms due to this stress.  I realize that I am not a PhD, but I have first-hand experience in this and have also read articles and books that discuss this phenomenon.

Then there are articles like this one that point out how "low-functioning" [in this article, referring to actual abilities to function and not intelligence] autistic children can "bloom" in supportive households [yay!] but that statement then implies that they "wither" in unsupportive households [cry].

"Although autism is known to cause cognitive deficits in some children, it is also associated with certain enhanced intellectual abilities, and some affected children have extremely high IQs...  The researchers found that 63% of the children did not have intellectual disabilities... and even among the severely low-functioning, about 10% may improve dramatically over time, with some growing out of their diagnosis by their teens." [This paragraph has been 'pieced' together but does not alter the context.]

"About one-third of the study group were considered low- to low/medium-functioning in terms of communication and social skills, meaning that they may have trouble talking, interacting with others or socializing and making friends with peers.

"High-functioning kids with autism, meanwhile, can communicate effectively with others, maintain friendships and are willing to engage in social pursuits. While the highest-functioning children tended to show the most improvement over time in the California study, about 10% of those who started out in the low-functioning group also moved into the highest group by age 14.

"...

"Briggs adds that another “very key” factor is that the mothers of the kids who bloomed tended to be more educated ... Early intervention matters because the brain is remarkably vulnerable early in life, built to shape itself to the environment it initially faces. “The young brain is disproportionately receptive to input, whether positive or negative,” says Briggs. “That’s why young children can learn a second language easily and why early exposure to domestic violence and toxic stress are so incredibly damaging.” [emphasis added]"

Please also see this article which discusses the theory that some genes are like orchids - only with proper and meticulous care do they become beautiful.

If you have read ANY of my blog, you know that while I am open to learning more about current thoughts on 'treatment,' I do not endorse the idea that I am sick or need a 'cure.'  that being said, I see a difference in 'cure' and 'support' but the point of this blog entry is regarding stress so please re-read the emphasized quote if you missed that point previously.

Part of the problem is caused when autistics who desire social interaction [or to 'fit in' even if only with a small/select group] yet do not have positive social experiences can develop anxiety.  First-hand, I can assure you that it leads to several feelings.  There are feelings of helplessness, confusion, and hurt.  It is hard to go through life being rejected, mostly due to being misunderstood, and not known how to fix it.  I may not have known when I was a child why, but I did know that I was unable to succeed at social interactions.

Going through life being misunderstood and rejected by family and peers is devastating.  I was lucky that I was able to find a few friends to accept me, qualify for advanced classes, and mature quickly so I could escape.  A big downside is that I did not have much of a childhood.  I was talking with JD and he told me that he was sorry I did not have a childhood.  I asked him what he meant and he just gave me that look that he gets sometimes [usually when he is thinking about our marriage] and said that if I had had a childhood, I would miss being a child.  I could understand exactly what he meant even though I feel no longing to return to my childhood, I do feel that no child ever deserves the experiences I went through.  Nor do any experience the more-severe abuse that some children suffer.

My childhood stress also resulted in frequent migraines.  I was told that my 'headaches' could not possibly be migraines because if they were migraines, the pain would be so severe that I would not be able to function.  Too bad that the autism also affected how I perceived pain but did not alter the nausea or the sensitivity to light or sound.

These stress impacts affect children and then continue to affect the adults they become.  Even an autistic child who does not appear to interact with the people around them do observe their world, do have feelings about their world, and do create thoughts about their world and the people in it.  If their world is stressful, that will impact them and affect how they are able to cope as they grow.  [And if you do not believe me, I can link to a post like this one as often as necessary.]  There are also examples of people/parents [commenters] who mean well but just do not express themselves in a logical [or necessarily helpful] way.  This is not necessarily a flaw as it demonstrates their frustration after struggling so hard for so long.  I am positive that they have had numerous difficulties advocating for their child to get services and I honestly understand their frustration and the fact that they may do or say things in ways that are not effective just because they feel that they have tried everything else [I understand this ALL TOO WELL!].

I am now an adult who has to deal with continued stress from my family and dealt with an enormous amount of stress at my former job.  It is hard to tell which stress was worse; the family stress is on-going, but the job stress was so intense on so many levels for so many years... Some days I am glad that the daily stresses of working there are over even though it has affected my future employability.

What started as a very-specific anxiety which was solely contained to interactions with specific family members has grown into an anxiety which at times is crippling [fear, panic attacks, inability to cope] and without direct cause.  I have also added depression, hostility toward others, and the shattering of my perception that the rules and laws actually protect the people who need it.  But that I will save for a second post.

Stress References below the jump.

Updated Response [with 60% less anger!]

When I wrote this entry, I did not verify that the quote existed.  One of my Twitter Birdies provided me with the link to find that horrible comment [and, of course, I found that there were other comments just as awesome].

This is specifically in response to Sarah though there are other comments on this article which are misguided.  I found this comment on its own [and therefore without context] and I made me very angry.  When I was directed to the location of the quote, I was still angered by what was here but I also wanted to address this audience with more consideration than I exhibited in my personal rant/response.

I think it is important to consider how the words that are placed on sites like this actually make those of us who are autistic feel.  We have to work, play, cope, and exist in this world and the sensational language and responses [especially when they are negative] affect how we are perceived.  I think that sometimes the authors of such comments intend to say something powerful and encouraging but never stopped to consider the words that actually came out.

Let us re-read this one comment:

'Many children, mostly boys, in the US have autism. This has caused "collateral damage" to American children and means that this generation will have a shortage of people [without autism and able to do worthy work?] to do essential jobs that only NT's can accomplish' ... Like being engineers and scientists?

Sorry to inconvenience the rest of you: I was too busy 'giving my life away before the onslaught of autism [that I was too weak to fight] and now the rest of the country will parish' because me, and all my autistic brethren, went and got all diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder??

:/

Please consider that autism [including the broader spectrum] causes 'side effects' which also include interests in math and science, the ability to see pictures in our heads and evaluate structures, focus and perfectionism, logical problem-solving, and quick mental processing.  These strengths can help us to be wildly successful. [Personally, I can complete complex calculus equations but cannot chose which mustard to buy at the store.]  Please also consider that the DSM criteria for autism is being altered due to a better understanding of autism.

I hope you can read this response and just understand how insulting your comment is to Autistics.  Especially since: "The majority (62%) of children the ADDM Network identified as having ASDs did not have intellectual disability. The largest increases during 2002 to 2008 were among children without intellectual disability (those having IQ scores higher than 70)" as of the 2008 published study.  These studies are based solely on the populations of children who are 8 years old at the time of the study.

A majority of us have IQ in the above-average to superior range.  A majority of us do not consider ourselves sick.  A majority of us find a lack of understanding and acceptance by those who feel pity for us or believe that they need to empathize with our lives.  No, not all of us [including myself] can speak [verbally] in an effective way, but that does not mean that we are less capable of felling or thinking or understanding.  We know what you think of us, especially when we are young and you are the adults in our lives.  And it does affect how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about you.

The Darker Side: Si vis pacem, para bellum

This particular blog post is highly negative and dark.  I express my thoughts on suicide [which include that it is illogical and solves nothing] and describe the horrible boughts of anxiety/panic that I have been experiencing lately.

I begin by talking about my high IQ and excellent memory and how my brain has developed a safety mechanism that protects me from my traumatic past.  However, this mechanism is not enough to spare me from the effects of what I went through for four years at my job.  This is where the negativity comes out to play.  

If you are prone to anxiety or have struggled with suicide, I do not recommend that you read the full entry.  If you still would like to read what is alluded to above, you have to click to read those parts.
 
Obviously I am not giving up and I am not fleeing town.  I started this blog to try and process what was going on with me as well as to learn more about my diagnosis.  An added benefit is that I get something to do that occupies my mind and gives me something else to focus on.  Unfortunately, I had to dwell on these things at the start of last week and then was unable to shake them.

JD has been at my house since Wednesday and I have been off work.  One thing I can say, JD has managed to be very supportive.  One of the issues we had was with his perception of what was going on at my work.  I guess the last two years have gone a long way toward allowing him to understand and accept.  I do not know if we will end up back as husband and wife, but I do know we will be okay as friends.  And that would be enough.



Preface:
A few months ago I read where autistic children who desired the social interaction but did not receive it tended to develop anxiety and/or depression [I believe the article cited both, but I know it cited anxiety].  I can see the truth in that, but I am fortunate that my anxiety stays confined to situations where I am being misunderstood but does not usually affect my daily life.  I am fortunate that I occasionally have a "depressed mood," or a period of mild depression, as opposed to suffering from clinical depression.  I am also fortunate that with my high IQ (130 + based on average of scores) and excellent memory, that my "bad" memories of negative experiences tend to get tagged and filed where they do not often get accessed but also are not forgotten.  It is a protection mechanism that I am grateful for; the negative memories are there [and if I go "looking" for them, I still get to relive them vividly] but I am allowed to maintain my "innocent" and naive personality trait and not hold a grudge.  An unfortunate side to that is since I do not hold a grudge, it took way too much before I was finally able to break ties with my mother, and other assorted family members.  A good counter to this is that, when it came to the shit I have been through at work, I was able to persevere and maintain at work without impulsively quitting [even when I wanted to] or telling anyone to fuck off.
 
In the end, that does not matter.  It does not matter that I have been nothing but open and honest.  It does not matter that I do not have an ulterior motive.  It does not matter that I do not have the motivation to manipulate people.  It does not matter that I can objectively look at a situation without having an emotional response that I need to overcome.  It does not matter as the only things that matter are the perceptions and choices of those who have control.  They perceive an ulterior motive, a manipulating quality, and a false claim of either my diagnosis or the affects of the autism.  An added part of the frustration is the fact that they have just ignored the rules.

I think part of the problem is ignorance regarding the autism spectrum and part of the problem is the motives of management.  At this point, regardless of what has happened, it may appear more beneficial to management to maintain their decisions and hope that I do not file in court [or that if I do, I do not win].

Point:
So the last week I have had a very hard time ignoring the frustration of my situation.  I was fired in May after almost five and a half years of employment.  Four years of that was filled with attempts to gain accommodations after the terms of my employment had been altered.  I have a large "folder" of memories stored up and recently had to start dealing with and sorting through those memories.  The memories are vivid, include feelings that are difficult to process, and create a state of endorphin-spiking, fight-or-flight, fear and anxiety-ridden panic.  I had to go through all these experiences and got to process them as a unit, as opposed to individual happenings.  It was clear to me that management was intent only on maintaining their denials of responsibility, claims of appropriate action, and eventual finding that I was an employee with poor work performance who needed to be fired.  Their decisions, actions, and in-actions alike have made my degree, passion, and desired career path null and void.

Now I am not a suicide candidate as it is illogical and accomplishes nothing but the other day I found myself envying individuals who could "opt-out" and never have to continue in their footsteps.  Aspects of what they have done and the position they have placed me into took away all of my hope.  I desire to have my life go back the way it used to be.  I desire a resolution.  However, I know that this is not possible and any naive hope I had kept alive for years is gone, crushed, taken.  I have reached the point where just thinking about the things that I have been through causes me to experience the following:

• my chest feels like it is being crushed
• my heart pounds 
• my brain feels like it is swelling and will explode if I do not stop the stress
• extreme [and possibly irrational] fear, anxiety, and panic
• the feeling that I will imminently die
• a migraine which continually increases until I can calm down and think about anything else
• an overwhelming sense of dread
• the lack of desire to persevere

These feelings are so terrible, that I wish to no longer experience them ever again.  I know that I cannot avoid these feelings in the future which makes the whole experience worse.  Previously, the response has not been that extreme but now it appears that this is what I have to look forward to anytime it is brought up.  All last week, each day, that is what I experienced.  I am experiencing it now just writing about it and I am not even thinking about the specifics of what happened.

I know I need to continue, to persevere, so that what happened to me is not done to others.  Knowing that does not change the fact that I want to leave.  Just go and never look back.  New state, new city, new life; just leave everything behind.  Never look back.