The 3 year anniversary...

So it's been 3 years since I was fired from my job.  So much has happened since then and so many things are still happening but I wish to reflect on this day.

Working in a hostile environment is akin to being in boarding school, as I would imagine it.  There is so much going on in your life but just as every teacher acts as their class is your only class so does each conflict at work become 'the only thing' that is happening to you.  Problems with your personal relationship? Irrelevant because you have to deal with the depression from your work environment.  Having issues paying the bills because you have lost so much pay between suspensions and increased medical bills? Well, leave that behind because you have to deal with working through your symptoms and trying to meet this goal that is unattainable without your accommodation.  Basically all of your problems become moot because your teacher expects that the only problems you have are the ones they assigned.

No matter what, it always hurts...

You spend your life being alienated away from your family... always told that nothing you do is good enough, how you are the problem, how you makeup stuff and the fact that the family relationship is broken is all your fault so fix it...

How can my mother alienate me from my father's side of the family?  Why does no one stand up for me and everybody judge me based on the shit other people say?

I really do not need this right now.  I have been studying and working hard to get accepted into this program and I am trying to manage steps forward in my career and life paths while filing a lawsuit against my workplace because it is my only option but I also have to deal with the fact that I have no family support.  I am judged constantly and no one cares about how I feel or what has happened to me.

I feel like everybody always expected something else from me... always wanted me to be something else and could never see who I was.  I look into the autistic community and most of what you see is parents/family/others who want something else for their autistic children and are unable to appreciate what they have.  I realize that not all autistics are like me - I realize that some are unable to express themselves verbally or cope with the stimuli that must be faced in even the smoothest of days; but I also know that I cannot always do those things.  I have days where I would rather just not talk because whatever I say always makes it worse; when I know I cannot safely cope with driving but do not always have the option to avoid it; there are days that I do not want to do anything and there are days where I want to scratch the skin off my body and rip the hair out of my head and beat myself against the wall because the physical pain would be some mixture of what I deserve and how I know I am still alive.

I wish I did not empathize.  I wish I did not worry about how people saw me or how they felt or what would make them happy or help them. 

I know that the thing that happened probably was nothing, but I cannot help but see one little thing and freak out.  I am trying to get ahead, I am trying to move on, I am trying to pursue something I may be better at; but I feel that the people who should support me are just ignoring me.  The "community support" that people rely on for furtherance of careers and projects and themselves is severely lacking.

I am shouting down a hall void of life, air, warmth, matter.
I speak coherently but it surely must be a different language.

I feel like I exist in this world but I am not a part of it.  I am trapped to watch but never understand.  I will leave no lasting impression other than being the weird person who never fit in, could do no right, or only proffered lies and tricks.  The people who harassed, bullied, threatened, belittled, and dehumanized me will move ahead, be supported, promoted, and successful because that is how the world works.

I will never be recognized for what I am, what I do, what I am capable of; I will always be deficient, lacking, broken, sub-standard.  The outside will always want to change who I am, I will never be good enough.  I envy the ones who do not understand this fact.  I envy the ones whose ignorance signifies a small amount of bliss.  I envy those whose mental capabilities are lower as their intelligence will never intimidate and they may have the peace that comes with being oblivious to the workings of the world around them or their standing in the eyes of others.

In actuality, my pain changes nothing as no one listens.  Everyone wants a name for the scary monster under the bed.  Everyone wants a word to blame, something that can be targeted, aimed at, eventually destroyed.  It does not ever matter if the thought process is illogical or wrong or if they are missing something beautiful and unique.  It is the reason our super heroes become villains, why we hate, dismiss, discriminate against that which we do not understand.

It is why even the seemingly simple idea of equality founded our nation but also divides it repeatedly over the decades.

I need a hot chocolate, my pj's, and my rabbit.  Followed by a week of sleep, stimming, and being able to throw out the bird randomly when I have to relive all the shitty event which have lead to my biggeldy-pucked existence.

The Darker Side: Si vis pacem, para bellum

This particular blog post is highly negative and dark.  I express my thoughts on suicide [which include that it is illogical and solves nothing] and describe the horrible boughts of anxiety/panic that I have been experiencing lately.

I begin by talking about my high IQ and excellent memory and how my brain has developed a safety mechanism that protects me from my traumatic past.  However, this mechanism is not enough to spare me from the effects of what I went through for four years at my job.  This is where the negativity comes out to play.  

If you are prone to anxiety or have struggled with suicide, I do not recommend that you read the full entry.  If you still would like to read what is alluded to above, you have to click to read those parts.
 
Obviously I am not giving up and I am not fleeing town.  I started this blog to try and process what was going on with me as well as to learn more about my diagnosis.  An added benefit is that I get something to do that occupies my mind and gives me something else to focus on.  Unfortunately, I had to dwell on these things at the start of last week and then was unable to shake them.

JD has been at my house since Wednesday and I have been off work.  One thing I can say, JD has managed to be very supportive.  One of the issues we had was with his perception of what was going on at my work.  I guess the last two years have gone a long way toward allowing him to understand and accept.  I do not know if we will end up back as husband and wife, but I do know we will be okay as friends.  And that would be enough.



Preface:
A few months ago I read where autistic children who desired the social interaction but did not receive it tended to develop anxiety and/or depression [I believe the article cited both, but I know it cited anxiety].  I can see the truth in that, but I am fortunate that my anxiety stays confined to situations where I am being misunderstood but does not usually affect my daily life.  I am fortunate that I occasionally have a "depressed mood," or a period of mild depression, as opposed to suffering from clinical depression.  I am also fortunate that with my high IQ (130 + based on average of scores) and excellent memory, that my "bad" memories of negative experiences tend to get tagged and filed where they do not often get accessed but also are not forgotten.  It is a protection mechanism that I am grateful for; the negative memories are there [and if I go "looking" for them, I still get to relive them vividly] but I am allowed to maintain my "innocent" and naive personality trait and not hold a grudge.  An unfortunate side to that is since I do not hold a grudge, it took way too much before I was finally able to break ties with my mother, and other assorted family members.  A good counter to this is that, when it came to the shit I have been through at work, I was able to persevere and maintain at work without impulsively quitting [even when I wanted to] or telling anyone to fuck off.
 
In the end, that does not matter.  It does not matter that I have been nothing but open and honest.  It does not matter that I do not have an ulterior motive.  It does not matter that I do not have the motivation to manipulate people.  It does not matter that I can objectively look at a situation without having an emotional response that I need to overcome.  It does not matter as the only things that matter are the perceptions and choices of those who have control.  They perceive an ulterior motive, a manipulating quality, and a false claim of either my diagnosis or the affects of the autism.  An added part of the frustration is the fact that they have just ignored the rules.

I think part of the problem is ignorance regarding the autism spectrum and part of the problem is the motives of management.  At this point, regardless of what has happened, it may appear more beneficial to management to maintain their decisions and hope that I do not file in court [or that if I do, I do not win].

Point:
So the last week I have had a very hard time ignoring the frustration of my situation.  I was fired in May after almost five and a half years of employment.  Four years of that was filled with attempts to gain accommodations after the terms of my employment had been altered.  I have a large "folder" of memories stored up and recently had to start dealing with and sorting through those memories.  The memories are vivid, include feelings that are difficult to process, and create a state of endorphin-spiking, fight-or-flight, fear and anxiety-ridden panic.  I had to go through all these experiences and got to process them as a unit, as opposed to individual happenings.  It was clear to me that management was intent only on maintaining their denials of responsibility, claims of appropriate action, and eventual finding that I was an employee with poor work performance who needed to be fired.  Their decisions, actions, and in-actions alike have made my degree, passion, and desired career path null and void.

Now I am not a suicide candidate as it is illogical and accomplishes nothing but the other day I found myself envying individuals who could "opt-out" and never have to continue in their footsteps.  Aspects of what they have done and the position they have placed me into took away all of my hope.  I desire to have my life go back the way it used to be.  I desire a resolution.  However, I know that this is not possible and any naive hope I had kept alive for years is gone, crushed, taken.  I have reached the point where just thinking about the things that I have been through causes me to experience the following:

• my chest feels like it is being crushed
• my heart pounds 
• my brain feels like it is swelling and will explode if I do not stop the stress
• extreme [and possibly irrational] fear, anxiety, and panic
• the feeling that I will imminently die
• a migraine which continually increases until I can calm down and think about anything else
• an overwhelming sense of dread
• the lack of desire to persevere

These feelings are so terrible, that I wish to no longer experience them ever again.  I know that I cannot avoid these feelings in the future which makes the whole experience worse.  Previously, the response has not been that extreme but now it appears that this is what I have to look forward to anytime it is brought up.  All last week, each day, that is what I experienced.  I am experiencing it now just writing about it and I am not even thinking about the specifics of what happened.

I know I need to continue, to persevere, so that what happened to me is not done to others.  Knowing that does not change the fact that I want to leave.  Just go and never look back.  New state, new city, new life; just leave everything behind.  Never look back.

Dealing with Failure...

Failure can be hard to accept, especially when your initial reaction to any idea is opposition [oppositional defiant disorder can be included in the Asperger's package].  It's especially hard when you feel like so much depends on your success... trying to escape a bad home situation, trying to keep a job, trying to finish just anything... it could be a small task, or a large one, but if something keeps you from succeeding [especially if it is yourself] it can be hard to cope with that failure.

Inspired by: Failure?