Failure can be hard to accept, especially when your initial reaction to any idea is opposition [oppositional defiant disorder can be included in the Asperger's package]. It's especially hard when you feel like so much depends on your success... trying to escape a bad home situation, trying to keep a job, trying to finish just anything... it could be a small task, or a large one, but if something keeps you from succeeding [especially if it is yourself] it can be hard to cope with that failure.
Inspired by: Failure?
I got married when I was 19. JD was older than I was [he was 23] which I actually think helped our relationship. JD and I had known each other since I was 6 and I remember that he was always nicer that the other kids his age. His oldest sister would babysit me on occasion [usually JD and his youngest sister would be with us] or I would stay at his house after school.
By the time I was experiencing my first relationship, JD was busy with college. By the time he returned from his 2-year degree I was 16. I should've known better when my mom openly endorsed the relationship but it started out harmless enough... We both enjoyed the local sports team [hockey] and would go together. He would hold my hand and lead me through the crowds and he would make simple decisions [like my concession stand order] so I didn't have to. I think we could've been quite happy together [and obviously I shared this thought then] because we ended up seriously dating around Christmas the following year [I was 17].
I admit, I saw him as a way out of my mother's house [and I think she did too] but it's not fair to not also recognize that we were good together. He proposed Christmas '06 [after a year], we moved into a townhouse in January, and married in May. There were many things that went wrong but the biggest obstacles were that I didn't want kids, I was too rigid/controlling of several aspects of our relationship/home, and we got into a pattern of disrespecting/verbally abusing one another that we couldn't ever seem to escape. Once something becomes a pattern [especially when it involves emotional hurt/anger] it can be very hard or impossible to alter.
We tried to stop and fix things... but after awhile neither of us cared enough. Or maybe we just cared too much and that only made the hurt and desire to hurt worse. The hardest thing was coming home and trying to talk about my day when the hand would go up, followed by "Nothing you have to say is interesting" as JD would leave the room. The person who had been my support for so long was no longer even willing to be in the same room as me. We, very briefly, sought counseling* but as he wanted children and I really didn't think I could handle one in the end it didn't matter. Maybe that was really the first blow... maybe he thought that I'd change my mind... maybe I would've... I don't know. It was a few months prior to my 22nd birthday when we separated.
Admitting that I had failed in my first marriage was devastating. I wasn't sure [and to some degree I'm still not] if I just picked the wrong person or if I somehow poisoned the relationship... and it was hard to face that. I had failed at so many relationships along the way [friends, family, etc. **] and just couldn't seem to figure out why... I also didn't want to sit by and let my failures pile up. *The counselor was actually the first person to suggest I may be dealing with issues deeper than my childhood diagnosis of ADHD and recommended that I be screened for Autism. JD and I hadn't acted on or taken that suggestion seriously at the time, but we were both too close to the situation and didn't understand the spectrum or really what Autism was. If we had, I don't think anything would've changed but once we were separated I realized I couldn't just "give up" and so I started to seek answers to what I considered the "Autism Question" ... That was how I chose to deal with the situation and I got diagnosed [which really was more of a relief because so many things started to make sense - I had never realized I was so different] and I got to a point where I could reflect on all of the negative and understand the things I did that made the relationship weaker. And that was SO hard... some of the specific things will be dissected in future posts - promise.
Looking back on it, he was a good partner but we didn't make each other better people together. JD was such a good person and still cared for me even at the the time of our separation. He helped me find an apartment I could afford, paid the first month's rent and deposit, and bought me a pet [a rabbit I named Rocky] so I wouldn't be alone. He didn't have to do those things and maybe we might try again, but we don't want to go back into a situation where we just hurt each other.
In the end, he did end up being the person who got me out of my mom's house, though not in the way I expected. See, my mom is abusive but, unfortunately/fortunately, not in a way that gets CPS involved - at least, that was true when I was growing up. JD and I talk occasionally, but I'm reluctant to engage with him at this time [too soon].
There are 2 books I purchased and read after receiving my diagnosis: The ones I thought were best were: "Aspergers in Love" by Maxine Aston, especially Chapter 16 - deals with verbal abuse [which I feel also leads to emotional abuse as many who are verbally abused deal with emotional issues related] mostly from the side of AS abusing AS or NT partner and "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford. While the first book contains great information written from case studies between AS and NT couples [author is a psychologist who works with adult Aspies], the second [author is the wife of an AS man] is organized very well and the author demonstrates love and respect for her AS partner - that made it very easy to read/digest as a sensitive, AS person.
**Epilogue:
I noted above that I had failed in so many relationships in the past [family and friends] and - at the time - I truly felt that it was only me who had failed those relationships. I have learned much about my self [including differences relating to my Asperger's] and have since realized some of those failures weren't my fault. I will expand on this in another blog entry...
I hope you noted - that's 1 more post regarding thoughts/example of failed relationships [tag - varies/undecided], at least 1 post regarding reasons I unknowingly [at the time] contributed to the failure of my marriage [tag = JD], and it's implied that there will be more regarding issues at home/with my mom [tag = SheBeast].
Inspired by: Failure?
I got married when I was 19. JD was older than I was [he was 23] which I actually think helped our relationship. JD and I had known each other since I was 6 and I remember that he was always nicer that the other kids his age. His oldest sister would babysit me on occasion [usually JD and his youngest sister would be with us] or I would stay at his house after school.
By the time I was experiencing my first relationship, JD was busy with college. By the time he returned from his 2-year degree I was 16. I should've known better when my mom openly endorsed the relationship but it started out harmless enough... We both enjoyed the local sports team [hockey] and would go together. He would hold my hand and lead me through the crowds and he would make simple decisions [like my concession stand order] so I didn't have to. I think we could've been quite happy together [and obviously I shared this thought then] because we ended up seriously dating around Christmas the following year [I was 17].
I admit, I saw him as a way out of my mother's house [and I think she did too] but it's not fair to not also recognize that we were good together. He proposed Christmas '06 [after a year], we moved into a townhouse in January, and married in May. There were many things that went wrong but the biggest obstacles were that I didn't want kids, I was too rigid/controlling of several aspects of our relationship/home, and we got into a pattern of disrespecting/verbally abusing one another that we couldn't ever seem to escape. Once something becomes a pattern [especially when it involves emotional hurt/anger] it can be very hard or impossible to alter.
We tried to stop and fix things... but after awhile neither of us cared enough. Or maybe we just cared too much and that only made the hurt and desire to hurt worse. The hardest thing was coming home and trying to talk about my day when the hand would go up, followed by "Nothing you have to say is interesting" as JD would leave the room. The person who had been my support for so long was no longer even willing to be in the same room as me. We, very briefly, sought counseling* but as he wanted children and I really didn't think I could handle one in the end it didn't matter. Maybe that was really the first blow... maybe he thought that I'd change my mind... maybe I would've... I don't know. It was a few months prior to my 22nd birthday when we separated.
Admitting that I had failed in my first marriage was devastating. I wasn't sure [and to some degree I'm still not] if I just picked the wrong person or if I somehow poisoned the relationship... and it was hard to face that. I had failed at so many relationships along the way [friends, family, etc. **] and just couldn't seem to figure out why... I also didn't want to sit by and let my failures pile up. *The counselor was actually the first person to suggest I may be dealing with issues deeper than my childhood diagnosis of ADHD and recommended that I be screened for Autism. JD and I hadn't acted on or taken that suggestion seriously at the time, but we were both too close to the situation and didn't understand the spectrum or really what Autism was. If we had, I don't think anything would've changed but once we were separated I realized I couldn't just "give up" and so I started to seek answers to what I considered the "Autism Question" ... That was how I chose to deal with the situation and I got diagnosed [which really was more of a relief because so many things started to make sense - I had never realized I was so different] and I got to a point where I could reflect on all of the negative and understand the things I did that made the relationship weaker. And that was SO hard... some of the specific things will be dissected in future posts - promise.
Looking back on it, he was a good partner but we didn't make each other better people together. JD was such a good person and still cared for me even at the the time of our separation. He helped me find an apartment I could afford, paid the first month's rent and deposit, and bought me a pet [a rabbit I named Rocky] so I wouldn't be alone. He didn't have to do those things and maybe we might try again, but we don't want to go back into a situation where we just hurt each other.
In the end, he did end up being the person who got me out of my mom's house, though not in the way I expected. See, my mom is abusive but, unfortunately/fortunately, not in a way that gets CPS involved - at least, that was true when I was growing up. JD and I talk occasionally, but I'm reluctant to engage with him at this time [too soon].
There are 2 books I purchased and read after receiving my diagnosis: The ones I thought were best were: "Aspergers in Love" by Maxine Aston, especially Chapter 16 - deals with verbal abuse [which I feel also leads to emotional abuse as many who are verbally abused deal with emotional issues related] mostly from the side of AS abusing AS or NT partner and "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford. While the first book contains great information written from case studies between AS and NT couples [author is a psychologist who works with adult Aspies], the second [author is the wife of an AS man] is organized very well and the author demonstrates love and respect for her AS partner - that made it very easy to read/digest as a sensitive, AS person.
**Epilogue:
I noted above that I had failed in so many relationships in the past [family and friends] and - at the time - I truly felt that it was only me who had failed those relationships. I have learned much about my self [including differences relating to my Asperger's] and have since realized some of those failures weren't my fault. I will expand on this in another blog entry...
I hope you noted - that's 1 more post regarding thoughts/example of failed relationships [tag - varies/undecided], at least 1 post regarding reasons I unknowingly [at the time] contributed to the failure of my marriage [tag = JD], and it's implied that there will be more regarding issues at home/with my mom [tag = SheBeast].
A few factual errors were pointed out to me. These errors are semantic in nature and were corrected 01Sep12.
ReplyDelete* JD and I are not divorced as referenced in 2 different sentences. The first reference: "and still cared for me even at the time of the divorce" is altered to "the time of our separation."
The second reference: "There are 2 books I purchased and read after divorcing JD:" is altered to "receiving my diagnosis."
Near the end I wrote "We've talked a few times but I'm reluctant to engage with him at this time" but have changed that to "JD and I talk occasionally, but..."
I originally wrote this August 5, 2012 and realize that this is only September 1, 2012 and that I have since discussed hanging out with JD. Approximately one week after I wrote this JD and I had a conversation regarding reconciliation.