And the bottom drops out.

My dad passed away a few days ago.  This has been so hard for me to talk about but I know that I must.  I am so thankful that I got to be with him before he died but nothing really prepares you to lose your parents at this age.  Children are supposed to outlive their parents but this is too wide of a margin.  I went to the hospital that day thinking that the next day he would leave ICU and everything would eventually get back to normal.  Well, the next day he did leave ICU but he did not leave it alive.  If you ask me, he officially died that day that I saw him for by the next day there really was not anything left to save despite the doctors trying.  There is nothing that prepares you for that helpless feeling you get when you know there is nothing more to be done but you desperate need there to be an undo button for real life.  A way to change those moments that after the fact are so easy to identify.  Those turning points when the result could have been affected and the harsh reality banished.


But there is no such button for that.  There is no such fix in real life.  People in comas with no neurological activity do not awaken and when their wishes are to not be on an artificial breathing apparatus or other extreme measure then the only way to honor them is to abide by their wishes.  Especially when those wishes destroy yours.  If you love something, let it go.  But that is a crappy comfort at a time like this.  I just feel like I no longer have any feeling left.  Like I am a husk which forgot the wonders I was supposed to be protecting from this harsh reality.  I did not actually cry until today and it was just a little thing that set me off.  I went to his office and gathered his personal things.  I went to him home and helped sort through his stuff.  But today I was home and I picked up a book.  I noticed there was a bookmark still in this book and I flipped to see what it was I had marked my place with only to discover the card from my flowers which he had sent to me for my sixth real birthday (in 2012).

I guess despite all the other stuff being his belongings, being things that meant something to him, those things did not mean anything to me but this card that came with a bouquet of flowers which he sent to me as a joke - that is what really knocked my world askew.  I will never joke with him again.  He will never send me flowers because of a stupid move we watched together.  He is gone.  My world is so much smaller than it used to be.  I do not know if I want it to be whole again because rebuilding would feel like replacing him and I can't do that.