The Darker Side: Si vis pacem, para bellum

This particular blog post is highly negative and dark.  I express my thoughts on suicide [which include that it is illogical and solves nothing] and describe the horrible boughts of anxiety/panic that I have been experiencing lately.

I begin by talking about my high IQ and excellent memory and how my brain has developed a safety mechanism that protects me from my traumatic past.  However, this mechanism is not enough to spare me from the effects of what I went through for four years at my job.  This is where the negativity comes out to play.  

If you are prone to anxiety or have struggled with suicide, I do not recommend that you read the full entry.  If you still would like to read what is alluded to above, you have to click to read those parts.
 
Obviously I am not giving up and I am not fleeing town.  I started this blog to try and process what was going on with me as well as to learn more about my diagnosis.  An added benefit is that I get something to do that occupies my mind and gives me something else to focus on.  Unfortunately, I had to dwell on these things at the start of last week and then was unable to shake them.

JD has been at my house since Wednesday and I have been off work.  One thing I can say, JD has managed to be very supportive.  One of the issues we had was with his perception of what was going on at my work.  I guess the last two years have gone a long way toward allowing him to understand and accept.  I do not know if we will end up back as husband and wife, but I do know we will be okay as friends.  And that would be enough.



Preface:
A few months ago I read where autistic children who desired the social interaction but did not receive it tended to develop anxiety and/or depression [I believe the article cited both, but I know it cited anxiety].  I can see the truth in that, but I am fortunate that my anxiety stays confined to situations where I am being misunderstood but does not usually affect my daily life.  I am fortunate that I occasionally have a "depressed mood," or a period of mild depression, as opposed to suffering from clinical depression.  I am also fortunate that with my high IQ (130 + based on average of scores) and excellent memory, that my "bad" memories of negative experiences tend to get tagged and filed where they do not often get accessed but also are not forgotten.  It is a protection mechanism that I am grateful for; the negative memories are there [and if I go "looking" for them, I still get to relive them vividly] but I am allowed to maintain my "innocent" and naive personality trait and not hold a grudge.  An unfortunate side to that is since I do not hold a grudge, it took way too much before I was finally able to break ties with my mother, and other assorted family members.  A good counter to this is that, when it came to the shit I have been through at work, I was able to persevere and maintain at work without impulsively quitting [even when I wanted to] or telling anyone to fuck off.
 
In the end, that does not matter.  It does not matter that I have been nothing but open and honest.  It does not matter that I do not have an ulterior motive.  It does not matter that I do not have the motivation to manipulate people.  It does not matter that I can objectively look at a situation without having an emotional response that I need to overcome.  It does not matter as the only things that matter are the perceptions and choices of those who have control.  They perceive an ulterior motive, a manipulating quality, and a false claim of either my diagnosis or the affects of the autism.  An added part of the frustration is the fact that they have just ignored the rules.

I think part of the problem is ignorance regarding the autism spectrum and part of the problem is the motives of management.  At this point, regardless of what has happened, it may appear more beneficial to management to maintain their decisions and hope that I do not file in court [or that if I do, I do not win].

Point:
So the last week I have had a very hard time ignoring the frustration of my situation.  I was fired in May after almost five and a half years of employment.  Four years of that was filled with attempts to gain accommodations after the terms of my employment had been altered.  I have a large "folder" of memories stored up and recently had to start dealing with and sorting through those memories.  The memories are vivid, include feelings that are difficult to process, and create a state of endorphin-spiking, fight-or-flight, fear and anxiety-ridden panic.  I had to go through all these experiences and got to process them as a unit, as opposed to individual happenings.  It was clear to me that management was intent only on maintaining their denials of responsibility, claims of appropriate action, and eventual finding that I was an employee with poor work performance who needed to be fired.  Their decisions, actions, and in-actions alike have made my degree, passion, and desired career path null and void.

Now I am not a suicide candidate as it is illogical and accomplishes nothing but the other day I found myself envying individuals who could "opt-out" and never have to continue in their footsteps.  Aspects of what they have done and the position they have placed me into took away all of my hope.  I desire to have my life go back the way it used to be.  I desire a resolution.  However, I know that this is not possible and any naive hope I had kept alive for years is gone, crushed, taken.  I have reached the point where just thinking about the things that I have been through causes me to experience the following:

• my chest feels like it is being crushed
• my heart pounds 
• my brain feels like it is swelling and will explode if I do not stop the stress
• extreme [and possibly irrational] fear, anxiety, and panic
• the feeling that I will imminently die
• a migraine which continually increases until I can calm down and think about anything else
• an overwhelming sense of dread
• the lack of desire to persevere

These feelings are so terrible, that I wish to no longer experience them ever again.  I know that I cannot avoid these feelings in the future which makes the whole experience worse.  Previously, the response has not been that extreme but now it appears that this is what I have to look forward to anytime it is brought up.  All last week, each day, that is what I experienced.  I am experiencing it now just writing about it and I am not even thinking about the specifics of what happened.

I know I need to continue, to persevere, so that what happened to me is not done to others.  Knowing that does not change the fact that I want to leave.  Just go and never look back.  New state, new city, new life; just leave everything behind.  Never look back.