Also, this too:

I notice many NT's around me seem to see the world as one either accepts fault or one is accusing others of fault. I see a similar idea expressed as "winning" means one person/side is happy/victorious while the other has clearly lost/been defeated.
At my ExWork it got to the point that; no matter how petty; nothing could reflect that I a) actually had ADA Rights, b) was/had been accomodated, or c) effectively completed any work-task.  This got rather ridiculous at several points, but it all came down to denying/bypassing/ignoring that I may have a) potentially been even slightly correct is the assertion of my rights or b) received any adjustment resulting from subsequent "battles" over employee/ADA/etc. rights/regulations/priveledges.
I see this when "talks" with JD [or others] oscillate between placing blame/fault/negative connotation/etc. on me or accusing me of lumping it upon them...
Seriously, I do not care if you want to re-write the rules of "winning" but, outside of a few well-defined arenas, "winning" happens when all sides are satisfied.  WWII was not "won" until nobody [including the Germans] was living under oppression.  One may "win" a hearing or "win" by subjecting another person/group to subpar conditions under their power/authority based solely upon the certainty that no one will do anything about it, but the bully has not actually won anything.  Also, the fact that grown people stoop to this posturing/attitude/behavior is just pathetic.  What did that person get?  Um, the humiliation and subjugation of another human being because that person is too stuborn/spiteful/self-important/prideful/arrogant/lacking-in-real-world-knowledge-or-intelligence to think clearly, make effective/good decisions, and/or treat people with respect/dignity.
Congratulations on being small and ignorant?  Hallmark does not make a card for that, how about a "Get Well Soon" instead.
Going back to a one-on-one argument, I do not understand why blame always/usually/often has to be placed on a particular person.  Yes, we ended up in this crappy situation and we are arguing and we have BOTH said/done things which were spiteful/immature/wrong/rude/hurtful/regretted but can we stop stacking blame like casino chips and actually just solve the [biggeldy-puck]ing problem?  We are miles away from it and too busy tip-toe-ing through the minefield of hurt and/or chucking warheads related to things which have nothing to do with the fact that this whole argument started due to a simple misunderstanding and has ended up being a multi-media event of every way one or both of us is a crappy person in the eyes of the other.
A disagreement is "won" when both sides are satisfied with the outcome and feel they have been treated fairly.
And as a contradiction to this [as many people see these ideas as conflicting] I am firmly in support of competition, sports, recognizing talent or a job well done, and the inevitable truth that some people do X better than others, some people appear insignificant in terms of abilities, and some people are inept at physical or mental challenges.  However, there is a healthier way to expose our youngsters to this - make teams of the kids who want to play ball but are not natural-born talents, encourage kids to try out for what they like, support the kid who wants to do X but needs extra support to be a productive teammate - without removing any reward.  Score teams, let there be a winner and a loser, but remember to mentor them on being good winners AND good losers, do not let bullying be an acceptable behavior, teach them to be respectful of themselves so they can be respectful of others...
There is dignity in every area, we all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have talents even if they are sometimes hard to identify, we all can contribute, but we may not all bring home the gold or be the hero or get the fame; this does not mean our lives lack purpose/meaning.

#ThisIsWhyWeCan'tHaveNiceThings

So I have been doing a lot of thinking and drafting and frustrated [metaphorical] tossing of paper into the bin.  I keep coming back to this one idea: The individual gets blamed for the sins of the [insert any larger entity here].
I have examples! Bare with me, this will not be easy. lol I will attempt not to rant.
A legal policy [tax/regulation/whatever] is meant to help/address X, the business/corporation/other governed group reacts by placing a negative consequence onto customers/employees/group of others/etc. and the VOTER gets the blame.
An employee is denied their rights/human dignity, and during the employee's attempts to have their rights honored, the employer penalizes other employees [removal of rights/priveledges, increased caseloads while trying to remove victim from employment, other alterations in the attitude/conditions of the workplace] and it is the victim who suffers the score and scrutiny of the office - often involving harassing conditions, hostile work environment, and out-right abuse but it is the VICTIM who gets the blame.
Child/Adult X is different and requires an alternate experience interacting with their world but is within a larger entity [school, business, care facility, etc.] that does not respect [or choose to even recognize an established difference] but it is the Child/Parent of Child / Adult/Caregiver who is ostricised and/or abused for the incompetance of the people in power/charge/etc.
I find this so frustrating because people complain about injustices yet appear blind to the injustices they commit.  I had to listen to a coworker [who created a hostile work environment for me] lament about her uncle being harassed at work for his medical problem.  Honestly, no idea how I kept my mouth shut.  She even adjusted how she addressed a coworker who is still there and was having a conflict with management over a medical issue but I was still unworthy of even the professionalism of civil, basic office interactions during the time I was still there.
I look at a world full of people who lie by omission with every simple yes-or-no answer, who bend their description/recollection of events to satisfy their adgenda, and who manipulate with wording and am absolutely flabbergasted at the fact that I [a paladin if ever there was one, I ask the cashier at the restraunt if I may take a toothpick/mint] am labeled a liar/manipulator by people who fail to know/understand/care-enough-to-be-bothered-with-the-fact that I work differently.  I do not perceive, describe, interact or engage with the world using the same filter as the majority of people out there.
If you take the time to give any biggeldy-pucks at all and actually get to know me, you would understand.
But that is the other thing: Once the larger group has written a person off, there is no social benefit to showing understanding/acceptance so [individuals within the larger group] just stop showing it.
Sheeple, this is how the holocost happened.  This is where genecide starts.  Did you not actually understand the lessons behind the history classes you were subjected to or did your history teacher(s) fail to point out the "behind-the-scenes" of the horrors of histoy?  Do you still think Columbus sailed to the United States, shook hands, and began a symbiotic and beneficial relationship with the Native Americans?
Sigh.

No matter what, it always hurts...

You spend your life being alienated away from your family... always told that nothing you do is good enough, how you are the problem, how you makeup stuff and the fact that the family relationship is broken is all your fault so fix it...

How can my mother alienate me from my father's side of the family?  Why does no one stand up for me and everybody judge me based on the shit other people say?

I really do not need this right now.  I have been studying and working hard to get accepted into this program and I am trying to manage steps forward in my career and life paths while filing a lawsuit against my workplace because it is my only option but I also have to deal with the fact that I have no family support.  I am judged constantly and no one cares about how I feel or what has happened to me.

I feel like everybody always expected something else from me... always wanted me to be something else and could never see who I was.  I look into the autistic community and most of what you see is parents/family/others who want something else for their autistic children and are unable to appreciate what they have.  I realize that not all autistics are like me - I realize that some are unable to express themselves verbally or cope with the stimuli that must be faced in even the smoothest of days; but I also know that I cannot always do those things.  I have days where I would rather just not talk because whatever I say always makes it worse; when I know I cannot safely cope with driving but do not always have the option to avoid it; there are days that I do not want to do anything and there are days where I want to scratch the skin off my body and rip the hair out of my head and beat myself against the wall because the physical pain would be some mixture of what I deserve and how I know I am still alive.

I wish I did not empathize.  I wish I did not worry about how people saw me or how they felt or what would make them happy or help them. 

I know that the thing that happened probably was nothing, but I cannot help but see one little thing and freak out.  I am trying to get ahead, I am trying to move on, I am trying to pursue something I may be better at; but I feel that the people who should support me are just ignoring me.  The "community support" that people rely on for furtherance of careers and projects and themselves is severely lacking.

I am shouting down a hall void of life, air, warmth, matter.
I speak coherently but it surely must be a different language.

I feel like I exist in this world but I am not a part of it.  I am trapped to watch but never understand.  I will leave no lasting impression other than being the weird person who never fit in, could do no right, or only proffered lies and tricks.  The people who harassed, bullied, threatened, belittled, and dehumanized me will move ahead, be supported, promoted, and successful because that is how the world works.

I will never be recognized for what I am, what I do, what I am capable of; I will always be deficient, lacking, broken, sub-standard.  The outside will always want to change who I am, I will never be good enough.  I envy the ones who do not understand this fact.  I envy the ones whose ignorance signifies a small amount of bliss.  I envy those whose mental capabilities are lower as their intelligence will never intimidate and they may have the peace that comes with being oblivious to the workings of the world around them or their standing in the eyes of others.

In actuality, my pain changes nothing as no one listens.  Everyone wants a name for the scary monster under the bed.  Everyone wants a word to blame, something that can be targeted, aimed at, eventually destroyed.  It does not ever matter if the thought process is illogical or wrong or if they are missing something beautiful and unique.  It is the reason our super heroes become villains, why we hate, dismiss, discriminate against that which we do not understand.

It is why even the seemingly simple idea of equality founded our nation but also divides it repeatedly over the decades.

I need a hot chocolate, my pj's, and my rabbit.  Followed by a week of sleep, stimming, and being able to throw out the bird randomly when I have to relive all the shitty event which have lead to my biggeldy-pucked existence.

Retrospect on a Hiatus

So I have been away from social media for the past few weeks dealing with court and other personal matters.  I have been searching information on discrimination law suits and reading about outcomes and other fact-based information.  I have also been reading through the comments sections that are always found at the bottom of internet articles.

The internet is a wonderful place to share ideas, talk about what bothers us, and vent our frustrations.  The internet is also a dark place filled with ignorant ideas and snippets that may look good or sound snazzy but which one would not dare to let fall from their lips around their "In Real Life" acquaintances.  Or possibly a platform for us to listen to the outbursts from individuals who cause their own family and friends to shake their heads and offer apologetic looks when those outbursts have been expressed in their company.

I know that there are people out there who are greedy, misguided, ignorant, or looking for an "easy way out" and decide that claiming a disability and attempting a lawsuit is appropriate for them when their situation clearly dictates otherwise.  I know that this causes unfavorable opinions upon anybody who claims a disability and files a complaint or lawsuit.  I know that people say very ignorant things on the internet because that is why the internet exists.  While I am reading those ignorant things, my anger is usually placed on the people who attempt to scam the system.  My fear that this process will be fruitless has grown steadily larger and I wonder what I will do if my claims are not taken seriously.  My goal is not to receive a large sum of money, but to be able to go back to work, be successful in my career field, and not exist in a hostile and demeaning environment.

At the same time I wonder how I would ever be able to go back now, after years of being made the fool and earning the contempt of my coworkers.  Years of having managers who talk about me negatively with other employees, punish the employees who associate with me, and get other employees to lie about their experiences.  I look at how many of these cases are lost or deemed 'frivolous' and wonder how many of them have been fighting a stacked deck?  When you can take and employee who has previously messed up and given them a chance to redeem themselves by lying under oath or when you just do not have enough proof...  It is not as though any of the individuals who threaten or harass you are going to admit to it and whose word gets heeded?

Then at the end of the day you have the average tax payer who sees these law suits as a cost they ultimately pay and the payout as their hard-earned money.  I am not so naive that I do not understand that a business's expenses are paid by its consumers nor do I believe that legal fees and settlement money grow on trees.

I think the most frustrating part of this whole ordeal is that I do not want to sue, I do not want to go to court, I did not, initially, want or need money from my company...  I just wanted a simple, free, easy accommodation which was in line with the privileges afforded to my coworkers.  I wanted my demerits removed from my file and I wanted a good reference if I decided to go to a different firm.  That was never going to happen.  Who would hire an employee who was fired with a number of demerits?  How do I obtain employment on-par with my previous employment or in my career path?  I have monthly bills and an education to pay for... I am a good worker, smart, friendly, and kind.  However, I currently cannot get a job comparable to where I worked.  I have lost wages from that company for suspensions and other unpaid leave.  I have suffered and experienced pain from working there and dealing with the different things I bore while there.

I also have experienced lost wages since I cannot obtain comparable employment.

I get so frustrated because I have seen so many people who struggle under discrimination [or just under managers who are complete douche bags] but do not fight it either because they feel it is better not to [something I do not entirely disagree with] or because they tried and lost and are now even worse off.

It is hard to be where I am, it is hard to be suing an employer, but it is also hard to be that employee who suffers while everyone watches and makes their opinions.  Everyone seems to think that since management is not changing anything or supporting the employee that means that the employee is in the wrong and a problem.  It is easier to turn your back on one uncooperative employee than to try and understand or stand up for an individual who needs assistance.  I understand that there are worthless people who attempt to take advantage of the system, but I also know that there are good people who are kept from getting ahead or succeeding because managers are people too.  People are flawed and make mistakes.

When a company will not follow the law and chooses to degrade one individual till they are gone instead of spending far less time, effort, and money helping that one individual succeed, what in the world is that person supposed to do to put their life back together?

The whole situation is biggeldy-puck and so the answer is probably equally biggeldy-puck.  Does not make it right, but maybe it levels it out just a bit.  If someone is mad because they have to 'foot the bill' the target should not be the individual who is suing, but instead the company/manager who created the situation that resulted in a suit.

Updated Response [with 60% less anger!]

When I wrote this entry, I did not verify that the quote existed.  One of my Twitter Birdies provided me with the link to find that horrible comment [and, of course, I found that there were other comments just as awesome].

This is specifically in response to Sarah though there are other comments on this article which are misguided.  I found this comment on its own [and therefore without context] and I made me very angry.  When I was directed to the location of the quote, I was still angered by what was here but I also wanted to address this audience with more consideration than I exhibited in my personal rant/response.

I think it is important to consider how the words that are placed on sites like this actually make those of us who are autistic feel.  We have to work, play, cope, and exist in this world and the sensational language and responses [especially when they are negative] affect how we are perceived.  I think that sometimes the authors of such comments intend to say something powerful and encouraging but never stopped to consider the words that actually came out.

Let us re-read this one comment:

'Many children, mostly boys, in the US have autism. This has caused "collateral damage" to American children and means that this generation will have a shortage of people [without autism and able to do worthy work?] to do essential jobs that only NT's can accomplish' ... Like being engineers and scientists?

Sorry to inconvenience the rest of you: I was too busy 'giving my life away before the onslaught of autism [that I was too weak to fight] and now the rest of the country will parish' because me, and all my autistic brethren, went and got all diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder??

:/

Please consider that autism [including the broader spectrum] causes 'side effects' which also include interests in math and science, the ability to see pictures in our heads and evaluate structures, focus and perfectionism, logical problem-solving, and quick mental processing.  These strengths can help us to be wildly successful. [Personally, I can complete complex calculus equations but cannot chose which mustard to buy at the store.]  Please also consider that the DSM criteria for autism is being altered due to a better understanding of autism.

I hope you can read this response and just understand how insulting your comment is to Autistics.  Especially since: "The majority (62%) of children the ADDM Network identified as having ASDs did not have intellectual disability. The largest increases during 2002 to 2008 were among children without intellectual disability (those having IQ scores higher than 70)" as of the 2008 published study.  These studies are based solely on the populations of children who are 8 years old at the time of the study.

A majority of us have IQ in the above-average to superior range.  A majority of us do not consider ourselves sick.  A majority of us find a lack of understanding and acceptance by those who feel pity for us or believe that they need to empathize with our lives.  No, not all of us [including myself] can speak [verbally] in an effective way, but that does not mean that we are less capable of felling or thinking or understanding.  We know what you think of us, especially when we are young and you are the adults in our lives.  And it does affect how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about you.

Paul Corby. Denied heart transplant.

This blog entry is a result of my reading about the decision made by Penn Medicine regarding Paul Corby. By the way, go sign the petition should you read the information from those links, other news sources, and/or the contents of this blog. [Which was written thanks to a blog by a friend which was the catalyst I needed to write this coherently.  You can find more about that post below the jump.]

When it came to the heart transplant of [specifically] Paul Corby he did deserve equal consideration.
Other than the heart defect, there was nothing apparent [or expressed] about his physical health that would make him ineligible. Yes, he is an adult with different issues [autism and both possibly-related/co-morbid mood disorder and possibly-related unknown medical reactions; exhibited inability to manage his own medications; and possible reactions between current and necessary medications [ie: imbalance between medications, not necessarily life-threatening].

What I see as the main arguments that are important to consider in regards to otherwise healthy individuals in similar situations:

1. Autism should not be viewed as a life-threatening "disease" that affects whether one can be on a transplant list.
2. Even though Paul is an adult and it would be unlikely that Paul could manage his medication, Paul is currently under care and would likely remain under care. Unless we are going to deny transplants to children [who also cannot manage their own medications] then we need to make sure that the inability to manage medications for someone under care due to circumstances that render the individual more like a child [not as in someone who otherwise would have the capacity but fails due to already-established criteria which I cannot recall currently] but otherwise contributes/engages in society. [Do not construe this as though I am saying anything to the effect that I wish to exclude mentally handicapped - I just have spent too long wording this part and wanted to emphasize that Paul has exhibited involvement in society as a whole and I need to end this before it becomes a blog entry on a blog entry.]
3. Yes: Paul is on other medications and there is concern as to how his person and his existing medication will react/be affected by adding the necessary medications [of which, the only one that was noted as a concern was the steroid] but the person managing his medications had reached out and was willing to be actively involved in managing/adjusting the other medications to find a balance that worked.

I think every citizen pending a decision to be placed on a transplant list deserves the equal privilege of consideration which I do not feel was given to Paul Corby.

I feel that the information provided demonstrates that [in the specific case of Paul Corby] the deciding physician did not consider that:

1. the autism and co-morbid conditions were not fatal, degenerative, nor significant/uncommon
2. Paul received care assistance in certain areas, similar to a minor child, and would have been able to maintain necessary medications
3. a different health-care provider, with experience in the specific area of Paul's medication therapy and needs, was going to step-up and be actively involved in managing any medication adjustments which would be necessary.

This is a rant, this is only a rant...

So, yea. I was working on stuff today and found a new blog I like and then read this post. [I want to qualify that this post reflects positively on how I feel toward the blog but horrifies me in regard to other people. The blogger did not really understand this one either.]

I did not verify this quote for 2 reasons, 1) I did not put any more effort than just typing "war on autism" into Google and solely looking at the first return and 2) I really do not want to end up on the website of the group that wrote this quote.

“Our children are soldiers in way as they too have sacrificed their lives for the “greater good”. Our kids have been sidelined by this misguided, illusionary war on disease. We must never let our country forget that our children too have paid an enormous price for our country.

“1 in 88 children now effected with autism and 1 in 54 boys in the US. The collateral damage done to American children during this generation will mean a shortage of soldiers, teachers, firefighters, policemen and women, doctors, nurses, engineers,and scientists. Just like the men who gave their lives for the greater good so have our children. OUR soldiers. OUR children. OUR future. Our Freedom. People need to start thinking in about how this crisis will impact our countries 10-15 years from now. The good of our nation is being threatened one child at a time. One day the effect will be felt.”

In case you may have gotten confused by the second paragraph [which states "Our kids have been sidelined by this misguided, illusionary war on disease."] and thought that this was stating that the war on the 'disease' is harming the ASD children [like I did at first] allow me to dissect paragraph two. [Also, if there is a saying regarding the difference between desert and dessert is that dessert has two S's because we would like to have second dessert, why did they not take the second S out of dissect?]

[but I digress - also two S's because I will have to do it again?] Paragraph Two:
'Many children, mostly boys, in the US have autism. This has caused "collateral damage" to American children and means that this generation will have a shortage of people [without autism and able to do worthy work?] to do essential jobs that only NT's can accomplish' ... Like being engineers and scientists?

I swear, does whoever wrote that have any understanding wtft autism [including the broader spectrum] causes as 'side effects' ??? Like, maybe, interests in math and science, ability to see pictures in our heads and evaluate structures, focus and perfectionism, logical problem-solving, and quick mental processing????

But, ya know, there will be a severe lack of social services, medical services, and advances in science and engineering because all these freaking kids went and got themselves all diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Sorry to inconvenience the rest of you.  I was too busy 'giving my life away before the onslaught of autism - that I was too weak to fight - and now the rest of the country will parish.'