The 3 year anniversary...

So it's been 3 years since I was fired from my job.  So much has happened since then and so many things are still happening but I wish to reflect on this day.

Working in a hostile environment is akin to being in boarding school, as I would imagine it.  There is so much going on in your life but just as every teacher acts as their class is your only class so does each conflict at work become 'the only thing' that is happening to you.  Problems with your personal relationship? Irrelevant because you have to deal with the depression from your work environment.  Having issues paying the bills because you have lost so much pay between suspensions and increased medical bills? Well, leave that behind because you have to deal with working through your symptoms and trying to meet this goal that is unattainable without your accommodation.  Basically all of your problems become moot because your teacher expects that the only problems you have are the ones they assigned.

Into the rabbit hole... [Part 1]

So, I have spent a significant amount of time on this post and finally decided just to break it up into multiple parts.  "Into the rabbit hole" will be a series on sensory perception from the inside out and comparatively between overstimulated and understimulated.

ENJOY:

If someone had asked me what it was like to have sensory perception issues a few years ago I would not have been able to put it into words that would have made sense.  Even after reading Temple Grandin's book all I was able to say was that EVERYTHING was TOO MUCH.  That is not quantifiable and mostly the response was 'just ignore it.'

Could you ignore it when:
- your clothing feels like sandpaper tearing off your skin,
- the fluorescent lighting is flickering right in the middle of your brain like fireworks,
- the sounds of the people around you just moving about resonates like the crash of the surf constantly smacking your eardrums,
- the texture of the fabric on the chair of the person next to you is catching their  clothing and making a sound that causes your teeth to itch and your skin to crawl,
- the person's gentle tap to your shoulder hurts like they shoved a red-hot poker into you,
- the uneven edge of the nail you just broke [or chewed off] catches on everything which hurts your ears but you're not sure why,

and all of these things [and more] you have to deal with happen at the same time, constantly, every second of every day but you still have to smile and shake the hand of the person greeting you [though it feels as they just placed a deadWETfish into your palm] and keep thoughts and conversations going like a "normal" person while not flinching or making a rude face, or screaming at them to back away and STOP TOUCHING ME!!! 

I think it has probably been proven that if someone is placed in a soundproof room [where all they can hear are the sounds of their own breath and blood] they will quickly lose their shit. So live in that box while carrying on all the activities of a usual day for 3 months. Then I'll visit you at the nut house and where you can tell me just to ignore it... Provided you can muster any response besides rocking and drooling on yourself.

For Alice the struggle is different yet similar.  There are times when sounds [like our own voices or the media we are enjoying - music, TV, etc.] sound louder or softer than others perceive the same sound, or the light is brighter/dimmer, the smell is a pleasant whiff/horrible smog...  but for Alice it is a constant struggle for enough sensory input: She sits at the buffet and starves [while I try to not vomit the excess onto the person next to me... enjoy your next crowded buffet.]

As a toddler, she would stuff her mouth; past the point of full and to the point of gagging; just so she could feel something on her tounge and between her cheeks.  We used special oral sticks with differently-textured ends to rub inside her mouth to give her that sensory nourishment she craved and desperately needed.

Sometimes I have to intentionally overload one of my senses [usually hearing by playing my music and singing along] just so I can focus on whatever needs my attention.  I loved driving my car and turning the sound up to the point that it filled the small two-seater with the vibrations of the bass and the beat and the mellow resonance of the singing voice.  That was my squeeze machine and everything was okay once I made it to the car.  Once I could no longer drive I had to find other ways to push the release button.  On more than one occasion this involved JD picking me up and driving me around with the music loud in his car.  Alice also needs extra stimuli to function but for her it isn't an overload of one sense to blot out the others but instead she has to meet one need [usually touch] so she can concentrate on anything other than the incessant need for sensory input.

Like Alice in Wonderland, but without her guide rabbit...

or psychedelic drugs.  As she rounded out her third-grade year, my niece [is she still my niece if her uncle and I are divorced?] began having marked problems at school.  She was suffering meltdowns, anxiety, stress, and a decline in her academics. 

JD mentioned it in passing so I got involved.

Background: Alice had been diagnosed with sensory processing issues as a toddler but where I am always overstimulated [and shut down] she is understimulated [and explodes].  When JD and I were married, we had Alice twice a week.  I knew I had sensory processing issues and was helping with Alice but I had no idea about autism at that point.

It was interesting to see the differences between Alice and me because it also allowed me to see more about how the sensory issues affected me.  An autistic in a sea of NT's may not always realize they are different, but start pointing out some differences in specific areas and I started to catch on quick.  Plus with Alice being 3/4 [the "Learning to express yourself" age] I was able to help her communicate her sensory needs while I learned more about how both of us experienced the world.  [More about this in a later post.]

Present: After discussing the situation with JD's sister I made some recommendations for adjustments at school.  When those helped I was welcomed to become more involved.  Armed with my new knowledge of autism I realized Alice qualified as autistic under DSM5 [but not DSM-IV].  At this point, JD's sister was not very happy with me but after she had some time to process [and talk with a JD who has much more understanding and care for who I am] she came to accept my opinion as a starting point.  It helps that the school counselor saw several of the same things I noticed.

So all my studying and research work served a purpose, JD and I have mended several bridges, and Alice now comes to my home once a week.  Her transition back to school this year was a pleasant one.  As much as I do not want kids, I enjoy having Alice back in my life.  Rocky still is not sure about her but it is funny to watch him sneak up on her then run off once she acknowledges him.

View from inside the medication...

Relatively recently, due to my anxiety and distress, I was placed on medication.  That sounds more terrible than it really is but I can admit to it.  I am also putting this forward mostly because I do not believe that people who suggest medication really understand that there is not magic in that bottle nor do I believe that children placed on medication possess the opportunity [and/or vocabulary/range of expression] to provide input regarding how they respond/perceive their prescription.

One of the medications I was placed on was for attention deficit [ADD, ADHD] and as I am an adult, I had some say in the matter and thus was able to pick a variety [ie: Ritalin, Adderall, non-stimulant] and have some voice as to effective dosing.  As it has been quite some time since I was last medicated it was interesting to note the differences between this time and last. [Also, the fact that I exhibit a pronounced sensitivity to medications, an ASD perk; I got to watch my medical doctor near-wet herself while the psychiatrist gradually ramped up my dose.] 

I have come to the conclusion that medication really is not a 'cure-all' as I still have days/times where I'm scattered, distractible, or hyper-focused except now IT IS HARDER TO SELF-MANAGE!  Biggeldy-puck, how frustrating! lol!  I have times when it is difficult to concentrate on a flow of related ideas but because the medication helps to concentrate focus, I get too focused on the distractions.  Then there are days where I focus so intently on one small faucet of a larger project that I spend all day completing nothing [literally Saturday I spent 8 hours on a spreadsheet for a worthless detail of a larger whole].  The medication makes it harder for me to self-manage on days like those because I am being chemically stimulated to focus.

Not that it is all bad.  The medication mostly helps me to concentrate on what I need to be doing so I do not perseverate on one thing, have anxiety because I am not focusing, then shut down and accomplish nothing. Plus it kept me from testing out classic anxiety medications which I was not looking forward to.

When I was initially placed on medication it was done in lieu of testing/diagnosis. I was placed on a dosage which "appeared to do the trick" so nothing further was done.  What actually happened was I was placed on a variety which I did not respond appropriately to and instead the medication just made me feel so nauseous and sick that I was incapable of anything beyond sitting miserably at my desk.  I was then prescribed a second [and unfortunately worse] medication intended to counter-act the nausea but instead tasted so awful that it boosted the nausea to vomiting.  After 4 years, my body finally adjusted so that I only felt ill instead of nauseous.  I can now attest [from the vantage point of a variety/dose that works] that the problem was that particular variety not working as it was intended.

Also, medication is not a replacement for knowing how to self-manage.

Also, this too:

I notice many NT's around me seem to see the world as one either accepts fault or one is accusing others of fault. I see a similar idea expressed as "winning" means one person/side is happy/victorious while the other has clearly lost/been defeated.
At my ExWork it got to the point that; no matter how petty; nothing could reflect that I a) actually had ADA Rights, b) was/had been accomodated, or c) effectively completed any work-task.  This got rather ridiculous at several points, but it all came down to denying/bypassing/ignoring that I may have a) potentially been even slightly correct is the assertion of my rights or b) received any adjustment resulting from subsequent "battles" over employee/ADA/etc. rights/regulations/priveledges.
I see this when "talks" with JD [or others] oscillate between placing blame/fault/negative connotation/etc. on me or accusing me of lumping it upon them...
Seriously, I do not care if you want to re-write the rules of "winning" but, outside of a few well-defined arenas, "winning" happens when all sides are satisfied.  WWII was not "won" until nobody [including the Germans] was living under oppression.  One may "win" a hearing or "win" by subjecting another person/group to subpar conditions under their power/authority based solely upon the certainty that no one will do anything about it, but the bully has not actually won anything.  Also, the fact that grown people stoop to this posturing/attitude/behavior is just pathetic.  What did that person get?  Um, the humiliation and subjugation of another human being because that person is too stuborn/spiteful/self-important/prideful/arrogant/lacking-in-real-world-knowledge-or-intelligence to think clearly, make effective/good decisions, and/or treat people with respect/dignity.
Congratulations on being small and ignorant?  Hallmark does not make a card for that, how about a "Get Well Soon" instead.
Going back to a one-on-one argument, I do not understand why blame always/usually/often has to be placed on a particular person.  Yes, we ended up in this crappy situation and we are arguing and we have BOTH said/done things which were spiteful/immature/wrong/rude/hurtful/regretted but can we stop stacking blame like casino chips and actually just solve the [biggeldy-puck]ing problem?  We are miles away from it and too busy tip-toe-ing through the minefield of hurt and/or chucking warheads related to things which have nothing to do with the fact that this whole argument started due to a simple misunderstanding and has ended up being a multi-media event of every way one or both of us is a crappy person in the eyes of the other.
A disagreement is "won" when both sides are satisfied with the outcome and feel they have been treated fairly.
And as a contradiction to this [as many people see these ideas as conflicting] I am firmly in support of competition, sports, recognizing talent or a job well done, and the inevitable truth that some people do X better than others, some people appear insignificant in terms of abilities, and some people are inept at physical or mental challenges.  However, there is a healthier way to expose our youngsters to this - make teams of the kids who want to play ball but are not natural-born talents, encourage kids to try out for what they like, support the kid who wants to do X but needs extra support to be a productive teammate - without removing any reward.  Score teams, let there be a winner and a loser, but remember to mentor them on being good winners AND good losers, do not let bullying be an acceptable behavior, teach them to be respectful of themselves so they can be respectful of others...
There is dignity in every area, we all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have talents even if they are sometimes hard to identify, we all can contribute, but we may not all bring home the gold or be the hero or get the fame; this does not mean our lives lack purpose/meaning.

#ThisIsWhyWeCan'tHaveNiceThings

So I have been doing a lot of thinking and drafting and frustrated [metaphorical] tossing of paper into the bin.  I keep coming back to this one idea: The individual gets blamed for the sins of the [insert any larger entity here].
I have examples! Bare with me, this will not be easy. lol I will attempt not to rant.
A legal policy [tax/regulation/whatever] is meant to help/address X, the business/corporation/other governed group reacts by placing a negative consequence onto customers/employees/group of others/etc. and the VOTER gets the blame.
An employee is denied their rights/human dignity, and during the employee's attempts to have their rights honored, the employer penalizes other employees [removal of rights/priveledges, increased caseloads while trying to remove victim from employment, other alterations in the attitude/conditions of the workplace] and it is the victim who suffers the score and scrutiny of the office - often involving harassing conditions, hostile work environment, and out-right abuse but it is the VICTIM who gets the blame.
Child/Adult X is different and requires an alternate experience interacting with their world but is within a larger entity [school, business, care facility, etc.] that does not respect [or choose to even recognize an established difference] but it is the Child/Parent of Child / Adult/Caregiver who is ostricised and/or abused for the incompetance of the people in power/charge/etc.
I find this so frustrating because people complain about injustices yet appear blind to the injustices they commit.  I had to listen to a coworker [who created a hostile work environment for me] lament about her uncle being harassed at work for his medical problem.  Honestly, no idea how I kept my mouth shut.  She even adjusted how she addressed a coworker who is still there and was having a conflict with management over a medical issue but I was still unworthy of even the professionalism of civil, basic office interactions during the time I was still there.
I look at a world full of people who lie by omission with every simple yes-or-no answer, who bend their description/recollection of events to satisfy their adgenda, and who manipulate with wording and am absolutely flabbergasted at the fact that I [a paladin if ever there was one, I ask the cashier at the restraunt if I may take a toothpick/mint] am labeled a liar/manipulator by people who fail to know/understand/care-enough-to-be-bothered-with-the-fact that I work differently.  I do not perceive, describe, interact or engage with the world using the same filter as the majority of people out there.
If you take the time to give any biggeldy-pucks at all and actually get to know me, you would understand.
But that is the other thing: Once the larger group has written a person off, there is no social benefit to showing understanding/acceptance so [individuals within the larger group] just stop showing it.
Sheeple, this is how the holocost happened.  This is where genecide starts.  Did you not actually understand the lessons behind the history classes you were subjected to or did your history teacher(s) fail to point out the "behind-the-scenes" of the horrors of histoy?  Do you still think Columbus sailed to the United States, shook hands, and began a symbiotic and beneficial relationship with the Native Americans?
Sigh.

I am returning... and I intend to stay this time :)

However, I have learned that no matter how long I am gone from Twitter/the Internet/etc. there will always be something to write about when I return. lol

As my readers should know, I cringe anytime I hear the word "Autism" paired with anything ridiculously grandiose with a negative connotation [i.e. "Crisis"].

@BarackObama Address the current Autism Crisis! In light of the autism hearings, the time has come for answers! http://t.co/rN4MaXwv
— TannersDad Tim (@TannersDad) December 11, 2012

I do not wish to pick on @TannersDad as I both appreciate the other side of a debate and enjoy reading a different view.  I will admit that these words often frustrate me [as do many many more unrelated and mundane things - this is the nature of autism; low frustration tolerance] but I feel it is important to remember that there are different opinions expressed by people who are just as human as I am.  Also, if one assumes that their position is 100% right and everyone else is 100% wrong they show no grasp on the reality that truth is colored by perception, experience, and state of mind.*

Brace yourself; this is going to be a bumpy ride.

I digress, a little too late, but I do.  Actually, I am placing this part after the jump and continuing above, so unless you a psychic or you read after the jump, you have no idea I strayed so far off topic.  For you, thorough reader, I insert the following:

COMMUNICATION

Impacts of long-term stress

The human body cannot handle on-going stress well. Long-term, or chronic, stress can shrink part of your brain and make it harder to focus and remember things.  It could also cause, or worsen, other health problems such as depression, anxiety, heart disease, and diabetes.

Autistic children who grow up in homes that cause stress/distress and autistic adults who have to deal with stressful family/work/peer situations often develop anxiety, depression, or physical health symptoms due to this stress.  I realize that I am not a PhD, but I have first-hand experience in this and have also read articles and books that discuss this phenomenon.

Then there are articles like this one that point out how "low-functioning" [in this article, referring to actual abilities to function and not intelligence] autistic children can "bloom" in supportive households [yay!] but that statement then implies that they "wither" in unsupportive households [cry].

"Although autism is known to cause cognitive deficits in some children, it is also associated with certain enhanced intellectual abilities, and some affected children have extremely high IQs...  The researchers found that 63% of the children did not have intellectual disabilities... and even among the severely low-functioning, about 10% may improve dramatically over time, with some growing out of their diagnosis by their teens." [This paragraph has been 'pieced' together but does not alter the context.]

"About one-third of the study group were considered low- to low/medium-functioning in terms of communication and social skills, meaning that they may have trouble talking, interacting with others or socializing and making friends with peers.

"High-functioning kids with autism, meanwhile, can communicate effectively with others, maintain friendships and are willing to engage in social pursuits. While the highest-functioning children tended to show the most improvement over time in the California study, about 10% of those who started out in the low-functioning group also moved into the highest group by age 14.

"...

"Briggs adds that another “very key” factor is that the mothers of the kids who bloomed tended to be more educated ... Early intervention matters because the brain is remarkably vulnerable early in life, built to shape itself to the environment it initially faces. “The young brain is disproportionately receptive to input, whether positive or negative,” says Briggs. “That’s why young children can learn a second language easily and why early exposure to domestic violence and toxic stress are so incredibly damaging.” [emphasis added]"

Please also see this article which discusses the theory that some genes are like orchids - only with proper and meticulous care do they become beautiful.

If you have read ANY of my blog, you know that while I am open to learning more about current thoughts on 'treatment,' I do not endorse the idea that I am sick or need a 'cure.'  that being said, I see a difference in 'cure' and 'support' but the point of this blog entry is regarding stress so please re-read the emphasized quote if you missed that point previously.

Part of the problem is caused when autistics who desire social interaction [or to 'fit in' even if only with a small/select group] yet do not have positive social experiences can develop anxiety.  First-hand, I can assure you that it leads to several feelings.  There are feelings of helplessness, confusion, and hurt.  It is hard to go through life being rejected, mostly due to being misunderstood, and not known how to fix it.  I may not have known when I was a child why, but I did know that I was unable to succeed at social interactions.

Going through life being misunderstood and rejected by family and peers is devastating.  I was lucky that I was able to find a few friends to accept me, qualify for advanced classes, and mature quickly so I could escape.  A big downside is that I did not have much of a childhood.  I was talking with JD and he told me that he was sorry I did not have a childhood.  I asked him what he meant and he just gave me that look that he gets sometimes [usually when he is thinking about our marriage] and said that if I had had a childhood, I would miss being a child.  I could understand exactly what he meant even though I feel no longing to return to my childhood, I do feel that no child ever deserves the experiences I went through.  Nor do any experience the more-severe abuse that some children suffer.

My childhood stress also resulted in frequent migraines.  I was told that my 'headaches' could not possibly be migraines because if they were migraines, the pain would be so severe that I would not be able to function.  Too bad that the autism also affected how I perceived pain but did not alter the nausea or the sensitivity to light or sound.

These stress impacts affect children and then continue to affect the adults they become.  Even an autistic child who does not appear to interact with the people around them do observe their world, do have feelings about their world, and do create thoughts about their world and the people in it.  If their world is stressful, that will impact them and affect how they are able to cope as they grow.  [And if you do not believe me, I can link to a post like this one as often as necessary.]  There are also examples of people/parents [commenters] who mean well but just do not express themselves in a logical [or necessarily helpful] way.  This is not necessarily a flaw as it demonstrates their frustration after struggling so hard for so long.  I am positive that they have had numerous difficulties advocating for their child to get services and I honestly understand their frustration and the fact that they may do or say things in ways that are not effective just because they feel that they have tried everything else [I understand this ALL TOO WELL!].

I am now an adult who has to deal with continued stress from my family and dealt with an enormous amount of stress at my former job.  It is hard to tell which stress was worse; the family stress is on-going, but the job stress was so intense on so many levels for so many years... Some days I am glad that the daily stresses of working there are over even though it has affected my future employability.

What started as a very-specific anxiety which was solely contained to interactions with specific family members has grown into an anxiety which at times is crippling [fear, panic attacks, inability to cope] and without direct cause.  I have also added depression, hostility toward others, and the shattering of my perception that the rules and laws actually protect the people who need it.  But that I will save for a second post.

Stress References below the jump.

The Darker Side: Si vis pacem, para bellum

This particular blog post is highly negative and dark.  I express my thoughts on suicide [which include that it is illogical and solves nothing] and describe the horrible boughts of anxiety/panic that I have been experiencing lately.

I begin by talking about my high IQ and excellent memory and how my brain has developed a safety mechanism that protects me from my traumatic past.  However, this mechanism is not enough to spare me from the effects of what I went through for four years at my job.  This is where the negativity comes out to play.  

If you are prone to anxiety or have struggled with suicide, I do not recommend that you read the full entry.  If you still would like to read what is alluded to above, you have to click to read those parts.
 
Obviously I am not giving up and I am not fleeing town.  I started this blog to try and process what was going on with me as well as to learn more about my diagnosis.  An added benefit is that I get something to do that occupies my mind and gives me something else to focus on.  Unfortunately, I had to dwell on these things at the start of last week and then was unable to shake them.

JD has been at my house since Wednesday and I have been off work.  One thing I can say, JD has managed to be very supportive.  One of the issues we had was with his perception of what was going on at my work.  I guess the last two years have gone a long way toward allowing him to understand and accept.  I do not know if we will end up back as husband and wife, but I do know we will be okay as friends.  And that would be enough.



Preface:
A few months ago I read where autistic children who desired the social interaction but did not receive it tended to develop anxiety and/or depression [I believe the article cited both, but I know it cited anxiety].  I can see the truth in that, but I am fortunate that my anxiety stays confined to situations where I am being misunderstood but does not usually affect my daily life.  I am fortunate that I occasionally have a "depressed mood," or a period of mild depression, as opposed to suffering from clinical depression.  I am also fortunate that with my high IQ (130 + based on average of scores) and excellent memory, that my "bad" memories of negative experiences tend to get tagged and filed where they do not often get accessed but also are not forgotten.  It is a protection mechanism that I am grateful for; the negative memories are there [and if I go "looking" for them, I still get to relive them vividly] but I am allowed to maintain my "innocent" and naive personality trait and not hold a grudge.  An unfortunate side to that is since I do not hold a grudge, it took way too much before I was finally able to break ties with my mother, and other assorted family members.  A good counter to this is that, when it came to the shit I have been through at work, I was able to persevere and maintain at work without impulsively quitting [even when I wanted to] or telling anyone to fuck off.
 
In the end, that does not matter.  It does not matter that I have been nothing but open and honest.  It does not matter that I do not have an ulterior motive.  It does not matter that I do not have the motivation to manipulate people.  It does not matter that I can objectively look at a situation without having an emotional response that I need to overcome.  It does not matter as the only things that matter are the perceptions and choices of those who have control.  They perceive an ulterior motive, a manipulating quality, and a false claim of either my diagnosis or the affects of the autism.  An added part of the frustration is the fact that they have just ignored the rules.

I think part of the problem is ignorance regarding the autism spectrum and part of the problem is the motives of management.  At this point, regardless of what has happened, it may appear more beneficial to management to maintain their decisions and hope that I do not file in court [or that if I do, I do not win].

Point:
So the last week I have had a very hard time ignoring the frustration of my situation.  I was fired in May after almost five and a half years of employment.  Four years of that was filled with attempts to gain accommodations after the terms of my employment had been altered.  I have a large "folder" of memories stored up and recently had to start dealing with and sorting through those memories.  The memories are vivid, include feelings that are difficult to process, and create a state of endorphin-spiking, fight-or-flight, fear and anxiety-ridden panic.  I had to go through all these experiences and got to process them as a unit, as opposed to individual happenings.  It was clear to me that management was intent only on maintaining their denials of responsibility, claims of appropriate action, and eventual finding that I was an employee with poor work performance who needed to be fired.  Their decisions, actions, and in-actions alike have made my degree, passion, and desired career path null and void.

Now I am not a suicide candidate as it is illogical and accomplishes nothing but the other day I found myself envying individuals who could "opt-out" and never have to continue in their footsteps.  Aspects of what they have done and the position they have placed me into took away all of my hope.  I desire to have my life go back the way it used to be.  I desire a resolution.  However, I know that this is not possible and any naive hope I had kept alive for years is gone, crushed, taken.  I have reached the point where just thinking about the things that I have been through causes me to experience the following:

• my chest feels like it is being crushed
• my heart pounds 
• my brain feels like it is swelling and will explode if I do not stop the stress
• extreme [and possibly irrational] fear, anxiety, and panic
• the feeling that I will imminently die
• a migraine which continually increases until I can calm down and think about anything else
• an overwhelming sense of dread
• the lack of desire to persevere

These feelings are so terrible, that I wish to no longer experience them ever again.  I know that I cannot avoid these feelings in the future which makes the whole experience worse.  Previously, the response has not been that extreme but now it appears that this is what I have to look forward to anytime it is brought up.  All last week, each day, that is what I experienced.  I am experiencing it now just writing about it and I am not even thinking about the specifics of what happened.

I know I need to continue, to persevere, so that what happened to me is not done to others.  Knowing that does not change the fact that I want to leave.  Just go and never look back.  New state, new city, new life; just leave everything behind.  Never look back.

Miscommunication - Mind Blindness...

I was trying to come up with a way to respond to Tanner's Dad Tim and while I was processing/mulling that, JD was taking me to dinner. As serendipitous as this sounds, these experiences coincided in a beautiful example and a horrible misunderstanding.  It was one of those weird moments that you see in television and moves where the person identifies the issue or how to fix a problem due to an epiphany received through a later [and completely unrelated] conversation/problem/random statement.  I just hope I was able to type both situations and the connection cohesively [which would make this an even rarer occurrence, lol].

The epiphany came as JD turned to me with this expression of resigned anger and said, "Well, obviously you wanted to go to Applebee's as you mentioned it over and over again."  In that exact moment I realized that just as ASD's are described as having "theory of the mind" issues; NT's also have no idea HOW we are thinking.

From the beginning:
JD came and picked me up and we had planned to go to the Chinese Buffet.  There are two for us to choose from, but we usually end up going to the closer one.  This time we opted to go to the one that was a little farther away as the cost is similar, but the quality difference is noticeable.  Also, we had not gone to that one in awhile.  We get out there, but it has closed.  [Also - win, it is now a Japanese steakhouse/sushi bar except that JD does not eat sushi.]  So the decision was to either go back to the first option or head out to the other Chinese restaurant a little farther down which is more-expensive.  We ended up in lane on the road which could go straight or right.  Let us pause here for a moment, because I want to express how this works.  Snap your fingers.  How long did that take?  This next paragraph happened in that same amount of time.  Just keep that in perspective as you read it.

1- our lane goes straight and right. 2- right is Chinese, more expensive, and straight is Applebee's. 3- JD likes Applebee's, often wants to go there, I do not enjoy Applebee's.  4- we would spend the same amount of money at either restaurant. 5- if I suggest we could go to Applebee's, I have done something that takes JD's preferences into account and he may enjoy Applebee's.

Catch all that?  Now snap your fingers again just to help it feel real.  I do that, that right there, when I problem solve, think about a situation, consider what I am going to do later, etc., etc., etc.. It is awesome and it is exhausting.  [But I would never give it up. NEVER. It is totally worth it.]

Anyway, back to the narrative:
So I say, 'we could also go to Applebee's if you prefer.  We would be spending the same amount.' And that is where it all went horribly awry.  We go straight, he obviously does not wan to go to Applebee's and starts getting frustrated, he turns around, we head back out, I try to explain myself as he is visibly frustrated/angry/something, he turns around again, goes back to Applebee's and parks.  I said, "I just wanted to offer Applebee's because you like Applebee's, I did not want to start a fight or make this complicated."

That is when he turned to me with this expression of resigned anger and said, "Well, obviously you wanted to go to Applebee's as you mentioned it over and over again."

We ended up talking/arguing at the table and from his perspective, we were at Applebee's solely because I wanted Applebee's [even though he should know that I do not like Applebee's - we had that debate several times because he would want Applebee's add I would always rather have O'Charlie's].  When I tried to state how I was looking at the situation, he would counter to the effect of 'oh, so it is my fault.'  No matter what I said, JD could not understand HOW I was thinking.  In my mind, it did not have to be anybody's fault, there was no need to lay fault anywhere. I just wanted to have him understand how/why I was thinking about the situation as this is a fundamental issue in our communication - he cannot understand my way of perceiving the situation.

There is no emotional component [not wanting to be wrong, wanting to make a situation somebody's fault, etc.] when it comes to situations like this.  It is nothing more than the fact that the words coming out of his mouth are not accurate to what I'm actually thinking/trying to say.  It does not matter how bluntly I state it, he is reading between lines that do not exist and refuses to understand that.

Similarly, I feel that this is where Tim and I ended up in our conversation: He is unable to understand the context in which I think. I've been working on this entry since Friday and initially I was trying to come up with a respectful rebuttal to Tim as I do not like confrontation but also I felt that he was just honestly not able to see my perspective.

I believe that Tim's personal emotions regarding his son get in the way of his messaging on Twitter. As an advocate [and co-founder of AutismAid] his tweets are even more important in terms of autism awareness. He has placed himself under scrutiny and others would take their cues regarding how to regard people with autism.

Aside from hurtful comments made [and the reply that it 'made me think']; I have seen where he has placed the "understanding" on a parent who murdered their autistic child instead of placing that understanding onto the people with autism. Tim also made it his place to declare that I 'gave up' because I was not sitting on top of Twitter, waiting for others to notice our exchanges and ask about them. I also feel that when I made it clear I wanted to have a discussion outside of Twitter regarding treatment options, he provided a format [Twitter DM even though I provided my email] and then ignored the sent DM. Before I offer up my complete rebuttal, I invite Tim to a conversation regarding his experiences, thoughts, etc. as it seems only fair.

So Tim, I ask again for a conversation outside of Twitter. I would like to discuss your thoughts/ideas and find out about your experiences while also sharing mine.

Just plain freaking angry...

Okay, so I acknowledge that I started this blog so that I could deal with a variety of issues (including those caused by the abuse/neglect/ignorance of my family)... However, after I had started, I thought maybe I would try not to do exactly what I'm about to do...  *WARNING* This is about to get negative and ugly...

(and so, I may have just secured the interest of 50% more people... lol)