Like Alice in Wonderland, but without her guide rabbit...

or psychedelic drugs.  As she rounded out her third-grade year, my niece [is she still my niece if her uncle and I are divorced?] began having marked problems at school.  She was suffering meltdowns, anxiety, stress, and a decline in her academics. 

JD mentioned it in passing so I got involved.

Background: Alice had been diagnosed with sensory processing issues as a toddler but where I am always overstimulated [and shut down] she is understimulated [and explodes].  When JD and I were married, we had Alice twice a week.  I knew I had sensory processing issues and was helping with Alice but I had no idea about autism at that point.

It was interesting to see the differences between Alice and me because it also allowed me to see more about how the sensory issues affected me.  An autistic in a sea of NT's may not always realize they are different, but start pointing out some differences in specific areas and I started to catch on quick.  Plus with Alice being 3/4 [the "Learning to express yourself" age] I was able to help her communicate her sensory needs while I learned more about how both of us experienced the world.  [More about this in a later post.]

Present: After discussing the situation with JD's sister I made some recommendations for adjustments at school.  When those helped I was welcomed to become more involved.  Armed with my new knowledge of autism I realized Alice qualified as autistic under DSM5 [but not DSM-IV].  At this point, JD's sister was not very happy with me but after she had some time to process [and talk with a JD who has much more understanding and care for who I am] she came to accept my opinion as a starting point.  It helps that the school counselor saw several of the same things I noticed.

So all my studying and research work served a purpose, JD and I have mended several bridges, and Alice now comes to my home once a week.  Her transition back to school this year was a pleasant one.  As much as I do not want kids, I enjoy having Alice back in my life.  Rocky still is not sure about her but it is funny to watch him sneak up on her then run off once she acknowledges him.

View from inside the medication...

Relatively recently, due to my anxiety and distress, I was placed on medication.  That sounds more terrible than it really is but I can admit to it.  I am also putting this forward mostly because I do not believe that people who suggest medication really understand that there is not magic in that bottle nor do I believe that children placed on medication possess the opportunity [and/or vocabulary/range of expression] to provide input regarding how they respond/perceive their prescription.

One of the medications I was placed on was for attention deficit [ADD, ADHD] and as I am an adult, I had some say in the matter and thus was able to pick a variety [ie: Ritalin, Adderall, non-stimulant] and have some voice as to effective dosing.  As it has been quite some time since I was last medicated it was interesting to note the differences between this time and last. [Also, the fact that I exhibit a pronounced sensitivity to medications, an ASD perk; I got to watch my medical doctor near-wet herself while the psychiatrist gradually ramped up my dose.] 

I have come to the conclusion that medication really is not a 'cure-all' as I still have days/times where I'm scattered, distractible, or hyper-focused except now IT IS HARDER TO SELF-MANAGE!  Biggeldy-puck, how frustrating! lol!  I have times when it is difficult to concentrate on a flow of related ideas but because the medication helps to concentrate focus, I get too focused on the distractions.  Then there are days where I focus so intently on one small faucet of a larger project that I spend all day completing nothing [literally Saturday I spent 8 hours on a spreadsheet for a worthless detail of a larger whole].  The medication makes it harder for me to self-manage on days like those because I am being chemically stimulated to focus.

Not that it is all bad.  The medication mostly helps me to concentrate on what I need to be doing so I do not perseverate on one thing, have anxiety because I am not focusing, then shut down and accomplish nothing. Plus it kept me from testing out classic anxiety medications which I was not looking forward to.

When I was initially placed on medication it was done in lieu of testing/diagnosis. I was placed on a dosage which "appeared to do the trick" so nothing further was done.  What actually happened was I was placed on a variety which I did not respond appropriately to and instead the medication just made me feel so nauseous and sick that I was incapable of anything beyond sitting miserably at my desk.  I was then prescribed a second [and unfortunately worse] medication intended to counter-act the nausea but instead tasted so awful that it boosted the nausea to vomiting.  After 4 years, my body finally adjusted so that I only felt ill instead of nauseous.  I can now attest [from the vantage point of a variety/dose that works] that the problem was that particular variety not working as it was intended.

Also, medication is not a replacement for knowing how to self-manage.

Also, this too:

I notice many NT's around me seem to see the world as one either accepts fault or one is accusing others of fault. I see a similar idea expressed as "winning" means one person/side is happy/victorious while the other has clearly lost/been defeated.
At my ExWork it got to the point that; no matter how petty; nothing could reflect that I a) actually had ADA Rights, b) was/had been accomodated, or c) effectively completed any work-task.  This got rather ridiculous at several points, but it all came down to denying/bypassing/ignoring that I may have a) potentially been even slightly correct is the assertion of my rights or b) received any adjustment resulting from subsequent "battles" over employee/ADA/etc. rights/regulations/priveledges.
I see this when "talks" with JD [or others] oscillate between placing blame/fault/negative connotation/etc. on me or accusing me of lumping it upon them...
Seriously, I do not care if you want to re-write the rules of "winning" but, outside of a few well-defined arenas, "winning" happens when all sides are satisfied.  WWII was not "won" until nobody [including the Germans] was living under oppression.  One may "win" a hearing or "win" by subjecting another person/group to subpar conditions under their power/authority based solely upon the certainty that no one will do anything about it, but the bully has not actually won anything.  Also, the fact that grown people stoop to this posturing/attitude/behavior is just pathetic.  What did that person get?  Um, the humiliation and subjugation of another human being because that person is too stuborn/spiteful/self-important/prideful/arrogant/lacking-in-real-world-knowledge-or-intelligence to think clearly, make effective/good decisions, and/or treat people with respect/dignity.
Congratulations on being small and ignorant?  Hallmark does not make a card for that, how about a "Get Well Soon" instead.
Going back to a one-on-one argument, I do not understand why blame always/usually/often has to be placed on a particular person.  Yes, we ended up in this crappy situation and we are arguing and we have BOTH said/done things which were spiteful/immature/wrong/rude/hurtful/regretted but can we stop stacking blame like casino chips and actually just solve the [biggeldy-puck]ing problem?  We are miles away from it and too busy tip-toe-ing through the minefield of hurt and/or chucking warheads related to things which have nothing to do with the fact that this whole argument started due to a simple misunderstanding and has ended up being a multi-media event of every way one or both of us is a crappy person in the eyes of the other.
A disagreement is "won" when both sides are satisfied with the outcome and feel they have been treated fairly.
And as a contradiction to this [as many people see these ideas as conflicting] I am firmly in support of competition, sports, recognizing talent or a job well done, and the inevitable truth that some people do X better than others, some people appear insignificant in terms of abilities, and some people are inept at physical or mental challenges.  However, there is a healthier way to expose our youngsters to this - make teams of the kids who want to play ball but are not natural-born talents, encourage kids to try out for what they like, support the kid who wants to do X but needs extra support to be a productive teammate - without removing any reward.  Score teams, let there be a winner and a loser, but remember to mentor them on being good winners AND good losers, do not let bullying be an acceptable behavior, teach them to be respectful of themselves so they can be respectful of others...
There is dignity in every area, we all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have talents even if they are sometimes hard to identify, we all can contribute, but we may not all bring home the gold or be the hero or get the fame; this does not mean our lives lack purpose/meaning.

#ThisIsWhyWeCan'tHaveNiceThings

So I have been doing a lot of thinking and drafting and frustrated [metaphorical] tossing of paper into the bin.  I keep coming back to this one idea: The individual gets blamed for the sins of the [insert any larger entity here].
I have examples! Bare with me, this will not be easy. lol I will attempt not to rant.
A legal policy [tax/regulation/whatever] is meant to help/address X, the business/corporation/other governed group reacts by placing a negative consequence onto customers/employees/group of others/etc. and the VOTER gets the blame.
An employee is denied their rights/human dignity, and during the employee's attempts to have their rights honored, the employer penalizes other employees [removal of rights/priveledges, increased caseloads while trying to remove victim from employment, other alterations in the attitude/conditions of the workplace] and it is the victim who suffers the score and scrutiny of the office - often involving harassing conditions, hostile work environment, and out-right abuse but it is the VICTIM who gets the blame.
Child/Adult X is different and requires an alternate experience interacting with their world but is within a larger entity [school, business, care facility, etc.] that does not respect [or choose to even recognize an established difference] but it is the Child/Parent of Child / Adult/Caregiver who is ostricised and/or abused for the incompetance of the people in power/charge/etc.
I find this so frustrating because people complain about injustices yet appear blind to the injustices they commit.  I had to listen to a coworker [who created a hostile work environment for me] lament about her uncle being harassed at work for his medical problem.  Honestly, no idea how I kept my mouth shut.  She even adjusted how she addressed a coworker who is still there and was having a conflict with management over a medical issue but I was still unworthy of even the professionalism of civil, basic office interactions during the time I was still there.
I look at a world full of people who lie by omission with every simple yes-or-no answer, who bend their description/recollection of events to satisfy their adgenda, and who manipulate with wording and am absolutely flabbergasted at the fact that I [a paladin if ever there was one, I ask the cashier at the restraunt if I may take a toothpick/mint] am labeled a liar/manipulator by people who fail to know/understand/care-enough-to-be-bothered-with-the-fact that I work differently.  I do not perceive, describe, interact or engage with the world using the same filter as the majority of people out there.
If you take the time to give any biggeldy-pucks at all and actually get to know me, you would understand.
But that is the other thing: Once the larger group has written a person off, there is no social benefit to showing understanding/acceptance so [individuals within the larger group] just stop showing it.
Sheeple, this is how the holocost happened.  This is where genecide starts.  Did you not actually understand the lessons behind the history classes you were subjected to or did your history teacher(s) fail to point out the "behind-the-scenes" of the horrors of histoy?  Do you still think Columbus sailed to the United States, shook hands, and began a symbiotic and beneficial relationship with the Native Americans?
Sigh.

I am returning... and I intend to stay this time :)

However, I have learned that no matter how long I am gone from Twitter/the Internet/etc. there will always be something to write about when I return. lol

As my readers should know, I cringe anytime I hear the word "Autism" paired with anything ridiculously grandiose with a negative connotation [i.e. "Crisis"].

@BarackObama Address the current Autism Crisis! In light of the autism hearings, the time has come for answers! http://t.co/rN4MaXwv
— TannersDad Tim (@TannersDad) December 11, 2012

I do not wish to pick on @TannersDad as I both appreciate the other side of a debate and enjoy reading a different view.  I will admit that these words often frustrate me [as do many many more unrelated and mundane things - this is the nature of autism; low frustration tolerance] but I feel it is important to remember that there are different opinions expressed by people who are just as human as I am.  Also, if one assumes that their position is 100% right and everyone else is 100% wrong they show no grasp on the reality that truth is colored by perception, experience, and state of mind.*

Brace yourself; this is going to be a bumpy ride.

I digress, a little too late, but I do.  Actually, I am placing this part after the jump and continuing above, so unless you a psychic or you read after the jump, you have no idea I strayed so far off topic.  For you, thorough reader, I insert the following:

COMMUNICATION

No matter what, it always hurts...

You spend your life being alienated away from your family... always told that nothing you do is good enough, how you are the problem, how you makeup stuff and the fact that the family relationship is broken is all your fault so fix it...

How can my mother alienate me from my father's side of the family?  Why does no one stand up for me and everybody judge me based on the shit other people say?

I really do not need this right now.  I have been studying and working hard to get accepted into this program and I am trying to manage steps forward in my career and life paths while filing a lawsuit against my workplace because it is my only option but I also have to deal with the fact that I have no family support.  I am judged constantly and no one cares about how I feel or what has happened to me.

I feel like everybody always expected something else from me... always wanted me to be something else and could never see who I was.  I look into the autistic community and most of what you see is parents/family/others who want something else for their autistic children and are unable to appreciate what they have.  I realize that not all autistics are like me - I realize that some are unable to express themselves verbally or cope with the stimuli that must be faced in even the smoothest of days; but I also know that I cannot always do those things.  I have days where I would rather just not talk because whatever I say always makes it worse; when I know I cannot safely cope with driving but do not always have the option to avoid it; there are days that I do not want to do anything and there are days where I want to scratch the skin off my body and rip the hair out of my head and beat myself against the wall because the physical pain would be some mixture of what I deserve and how I know I am still alive.

I wish I did not empathize.  I wish I did not worry about how people saw me or how they felt or what would make them happy or help them. 

I know that the thing that happened probably was nothing, but I cannot help but see one little thing and freak out.  I am trying to get ahead, I am trying to move on, I am trying to pursue something I may be better at; but I feel that the people who should support me are just ignoring me.  The "community support" that people rely on for furtherance of careers and projects and themselves is severely lacking.

I am shouting down a hall void of life, air, warmth, matter.
I speak coherently but it surely must be a different language.

I feel like I exist in this world but I am not a part of it.  I am trapped to watch but never understand.  I will leave no lasting impression other than being the weird person who never fit in, could do no right, or only proffered lies and tricks.  The people who harassed, bullied, threatened, belittled, and dehumanized me will move ahead, be supported, promoted, and successful because that is how the world works.

I will never be recognized for what I am, what I do, what I am capable of; I will always be deficient, lacking, broken, sub-standard.  The outside will always want to change who I am, I will never be good enough.  I envy the ones who do not understand this fact.  I envy the ones whose ignorance signifies a small amount of bliss.  I envy those whose mental capabilities are lower as their intelligence will never intimidate and they may have the peace that comes with being oblivious to the workings of the world around them or their standing in the eyes of others.

In actuality, my pain changes nothing as no one listens.  Everyone wants a name for the scary monster under the bed.  Everyone wants a word to blame, something that can be targeted, aimed at, eventually destroyed.  It does not ever matter if the thought process is illogical or wrong or if they are missing something beautiful and unique.  It is the reason our super heroes become villains, why we hate, dismiss, discriminate against that which we do not understand.

It is why even the seemingly simple idea of equality founded our nation but also divides it repeatedly over the decades.

I need a hot chocolate, my pj's, and my rabbit.  Followed by a week of sleep, stimming, and being able to throw out the bird randomly when I have to relive all the shitty event which have lead to my biggeldy-pucked existence.

Retrospect on a Hiatus

So I have been away from social media for the past few weeks dealing with court and other personal matters.  I have been searching information on discrimination law suits and reading about outcomes and other fact-based information.  I have also been reading through the comments sections that are always found at the bottom of internet articles.

The internet is a wonderful place to share ideas, talk about what bothers us, and vent our frustrations.  The internet is also a dark place filled with ignorant ideas and snippets that may look good or sound snazzy but which one would not dare to let fall from their lips around their "In Real Life" acquaintances.  Or possibly a platform for us to listen to the outbursts from individuals who cause their own family and friends to shake their heads and offer apologetic looks when those outbursts have been expressed in their company.

I know that there are people out there who are greedy, misguided, ignorant, or looking for an "easy way out" and decide that claiming a disability and attempting a lawsuit is appropriate for them when their situation clearly dictates otherwise.  I know that this causes unfavorable opinions upon anybody who claims a disability and files a complaint or lawsuit.  I know that people say very ignorant things on the internet because that is why the internet exists.  While I am reading those ignorant things, my anger is usually placed on the people who attempt to scam the system.  My fear that this process will be fruitless has grown steadily larger and I wonder what I will do if my claims are not taken seriously.  My goal is not to receive a large sum of money, but to be able to go back to work, be successful in my career field, and not exist in a hostile and demeaning environment.

At the same time I wonder how I would ever be able to go back now, after years of being made the fool and earning the contempt of my coworkers.  Years of having managers who talk about me negatively with other employees, punish the employees who associate with me, and get other employees to lie about their experiences.  I look at how many of these cases are lost or deemed 'frivolous' and wonder how many of them have been fighting a stacked deck?  When you can take and employee who has previously messed up and given them a chance to redeem themselves by lying under oath or when you just do not have enough proof...  It is not as though any of the individuals who threaten or harass you are going to admit to it and whose word gets heeded?

Then at the end of the day you have the average tax payer who sees these law suits as a cost they ultimately pay and the payout as their hard-earned money.  I am not so naive that I do not understand that a business's expenses are paid by its consumers nor do I believe that legal fees and settlement money grow on trees.

I think the most frustrating part of this whole ordeal is that I do not want to sue, I do not want to go to court, I did not, initially, want or need money from my company...  I just wanted a simple, free, easy accommodation which was in line with the privileges afforded to my coworkers.  I wanted my demerits removed from my file and I wanted a good reference if I decided to go to a different firm.  That was never going to happen.  Who would hire an employee who was fired with a number of demerits?  How do I obtain employment on-par with my previous employment or in my career path?  I have monthly bills and an education to pay for... I am a good worker, smart, friendly, and kind.  However, I currently cannot get a job comparable to where I worked.  I have lost wages from that company for suspensions and other unpaid leave.  I have suffered and experienced pain from working there and dealing with the different things I bore while there.

I also have experienced lost wages since I cannot obtain comparable employment.

I get so frustrated because I have seen so many people who struggle under discrimination [or just under managers who are complete douche bags] but do not fight it either because they feel it is better not to [something I do not entirely disagree with] or because they tried and lost and are now even worse off.

It is hard to be where I am, it is hard to be suing an employer, but it is also hard to be that employee who suffers while everyone watches and makes their opinions.  Everyone seems to think that since management is not changing anything or supporting the employee that means that the employee is in the wrong and a problem.  It is easier to turn your back on one uncooperative employee than to try and understand or stand up for an individual who needs assistance.  I understand that there are worthless people who attempt to take advantage of the system, but I also know that there are good people who are kept from getting ahead or succeeding because managers are people too.  People are flawed and make mistakes.

When a company will not follow the law and chooses to degrade one individual till they are gone instead of spending far less time, effort, and money helping that one individual succeed, what in the world is that person supposed to do to put their life back together?

The whole situation is biggeldy-puck and so the answer is probably equally biggeldy-puck.  Does not make it right, but maybe it levels it out just a bit.  If someone is mad because they have to 'foot the bill' the target should not be the individual who is suing, but instead the company/manager who created the situation that resulted in a suit.